Still Struggling — But with a New Strategy
I can't believe how long it's been since I posted here! But that's how it goes with me. I have an email in my In Box that's 3 years old! And it's been almost 3 years since I posted an entry. One thing can be said about my recovery—I keep coming back! I just went to a MeetUp group and I'm thinking about starting an anonymous MeetUp group to address this addiction. I have been meeting with a 12-Step Feedback Group but it has been rather sporadic lately. When we are meeting, we meet every other week but the focus is on sex addiction, not specifically on porn addiction. I think I want to address the issue specifically. I know there is no shortage of porn addicts out there! And I imagine that some of them want help.
I have not gone back to re-read all of the blog entries. That's something I will do in the near future. So, I don't recall if I related my feelings about the 12-Steps. I've been in SAA now for a decade and SLAA for at least 2 or 3 years before that. Clearly, it's not working! Now, it could very well be that I'm just not working the program diligently enough. But the thing is that I'm not inclined to do so. I am inclined to find recovery however. I don't hold the belief as others in the program do that the 12-Steps are the only way or even the best way to find recovery.
I spent several months in the last year and a half trying to create a psychotherapy group. My therapist agreed to facilitate the meeting if I could find the men. I found a few guys online through Craigslist but they turned out to be pretty flaky. So, I've given up on that idea. But, I believe in the power of groups to help its constituent members. This is probably one of the reasons that I kept going back to SAA for so many years. However, I think that that format is limited. I see value in it for certain people but it has failed me. Yes, I've heard that "it works if you work it." But there's nothing intrinsic to the program to deal with a lack of motivation.
I stayed up until 4:15 am last night even though I'd agreed to call a friend at around 8:30 or so to talk about the possibility of a run. I set the alarm to call her and said that I wasn't up for it. I didn't tell her that it was because I'd only gotten 4 hours of sleep! This is a woman that I was intimately involved with whom I love. But because of my addiction and the fact that I didn't find her sexually attractive, we decided to transition to a platonic relationship. This was not without some trials and tribulations! But she is my best friend today. Incidentally, I've stopped sharing (much) about my addiction or (anything) about my dating life. It's too hard for her to hear about it.
So my new strategy is to actually go for what I want! I've spent so many years—about 3 decades—finding one reason or another not to pursue the women that I was most attracted to. I did have a couple of relationships with women I found quite attractive but I never had the courage to go after the really hot women, the women that really turned me on. I've let fear control that part of my life and I've used porn to medicate the suffering I've experienced around that. So, now, I'm taking the steps I need to finally handle that part of my life and find the success I've always wanted with women. Do I think that's going to fix my life or make me whole? Of course not! But it's a wish that I've had for so long and suppressed for so long.
I found many reasons not to pursue that goal, chief among them a spiritual rationalization that it would not really fulfill me. I know it won't fulfill me in any absolute way but in the same way that I can find relative satisfaction from a job well done, I can find some relative satisfaction from a good relationship (whether it is short-term dating or a long-term relationship). And that doesn't mean that I have to forfeit my interest in spirituality. I've often set up my spiritual life against my material life but the fact is that everything is spiritual. This dichotomy has created endless tension and suffering within me. I still struggle with this issue but I no longer want to let it control me!
I can't believe how long it's been since I posted here! But that's how it goes with me. I have an email in my In Box that's 3 years old! And it's been almost 3 years since I posted an entry. One thing can be said about my recovery—I keep coming back! I just went to a MeetUp group and I'm thinking about starting an anonymous MeetUp group to address this addiction. I have been meeting with a 12-Step Feedback Group but it has been rather sporadic lately. When we are meeting, we meet every other week but the focus is on sex addiction, not specifically on porn addiction. I think I want to address the issue specifically. I know there is no shortage of porn addicts out there! And I imagine that some of them want help.
I have not gone back to re-read all of the blog entries. That's something I will do in the near future. So, I don't recall if I related my feelings about the 12-Steps. I've been in SAA now for a decade and SLAA for at least 2 or 3 years before that. Clearly, it's not working! Now, it could very well be that I'm just not working the program diligently enough. But the thing is that I'm not inclined to do so. I am inclined to find recovery however. I don't hold the belief as others in the program do that the 12-Steps are the only way or even the best way to find recovery.
I spent several months in the last year and a half trying to create a psychotherapy group. My therapist agreed to facilitate the meeting if I could find the men. I found a few guys online through Craigslist but they turned out to be pretty flaky. So, I've given up on that idea. But, I believe in the power of groups to help its constituent members. This is probably one of the reasons that I kept going back to SAA for so many years. However, I think that that format is limited. I see value in it for certain people but it has failed me. Yes, I've heard that "it works if you work it." But there's nothing intrinsic to the program to deal with a lack of motivation.
I stayed up until 4:15 am last night even though I'd agreed to call a friend at around 8:30 or so to talk about the possibility of a run. I set the alarm to call her and said that I wasn't up for it. I didn't tell her that it was because I'd only gotten 4 hours of sleep! This is a woman that I was intimately involved with whom I love. But because of my addiction and the fact that I didn't find her sexually attractive, we decided to transition to a platonic relationship. This was not without some trials and tribulations! But she is my best friend today. Incidentally, I've stopped sharing (much) about my addiction or (anything) about my dating life. It's too hard for her to hear about it.
So my new strategy is to actually go for what I want! I've spent so many years—about 3 decades—finding one reason or another not to pursue the women that I was most attracted to. I did have a couple of relationships with women I found quite attractive but I never had the courage to go after the really hot women, the women that really turned me on. I've let fear control that part of my life and I've used porn to medicate the suffering I've experienced around that. So, now, I'm taking the steps I need to finally handle that part of my life and find the success I've always wanted with women. Do I think that's going to fix my life or make me whole? Of course not! But it's a wish that I've had for so long and suppressed for so long.
I found many reasons not to pursue that goal, chief among them a spiritual rationalization that it would not really fulfill me. I know it won't fulfill me in any absolute way but in the same way that I can find relative satisfaction from a job well done, I can find some relative satisfaction from a good relationship (whether it is short-term dating or a long-term relationship). And that doesn't mean that I have to forfeit my interest in spirituality. I've often set up my spiritual life against my material life but the fact is that everything is spiritual. This dichotomy has created endless tension and suffering within me. I still struggle with this issue but I no longer want to let it control me!
posted by David at 10:44 PM
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