Consequences: Sometimes I wonder, as others have who know of my addiction, what the big deal is. I'm not hurting anyone. I'm not cheating on anyone. I'm taking care of my sexual needs in the privacy of my own home. So, what's the big deal?
It's not true that pornography doesn't hurt anyone. It hurts the user. I think it also hurts the providers and especially the men and women, boys and girls whom are exploited by it but that's a topic for another time. How does it hurt me?
As I state in my profile, my life is on hold. I am stuck. It has been said about addiction—not just sex addiction—that people get stuck at the emotional age when they began to act out. When I consider the hormone-crazed, lust-driven, desperate person I become when I'm fully in my addiction, it’s not a stretch to imagine how my emotional pause button got pushed during adolescence.
It’s also not a stretch to consider this when I think that what I want more than anything is to have sex with women. Not just any women—beautiful women, young women, hot women. I don’t know when fucking models became the ultimate goal to strive for
but when I step back and look at it, it seems pretty damn shallow. And from an intellectual perspective I can see how ridiculous it is, but on an emotional level, it is gut-wrenchingly real.
So, what are the consequences? Time! I grieve about how much time I have spent trolling the internet looking for the next big hit. Hours and hours and hours. Holed up and isolated in my apartment, sometimes going without food, often going without sleep. The grief comes when I consider all of the other things I could have been doing with that time: practicing a musical instrument, learning a new skill, furthering my career, developing some of my talents, spending time with friends, dating, exercising, etc.. There are a million things more positive and life-enhancing than looking at porn and masturbating.
How many opportunities with REAL women did I miss? When I could have been out meeting women, I was ensconced in my own little fantasy world. I talked to a guy last night who’s trying to figure out if he is an addict. He told me he’s fucked A LOT of women and always has a woman friend that he can summon for a booty call. Is he a sex addict? His friends tell him he’s lucky. I didn’t have an easy answer for him.
I get a bit jealous when I hear this because I’ve never felt that confident with women, not with the women that I’ve found really attractive anyway. Because of my preoccupation with “getting the girl” I’ve neglected to develop myself in other ways. I don’t really have a career and I’m not even sure what I want to do.
When I say that my life is on hold, what I really mean is that I have no fucking idea what I REALLY want. It seems that the ersatz passion of pornography has eclipsed my real passions—passions that I had when I was younger that got forgotten or neglected. Now those passions from childhoot seem luke-warm to me. The fire in my belly is smoldering. It’s not out but it feels like it will go out if I keep on acting out.
In some ways I feel that indulging in porn is a soul-deadening experience. I become out of touch with my emotions, distant, indifferent. There’s no exchange like there is in real sex. I think that even addictive sex would be better than having an orgasm by yourself to assuage your loneliness. I imagine that there are men whose sex addiction is to prostitutes or other partners who might beg to differ but that is not my affliction so it seems like it would be better. At least there would be some human contact.
I’m pretty much a cheapskate when it comes to acting out so I usually find the free porn on the internet (which seems to be limitless). Of course, much of it is designed to lure you to a paying site but I rarely get hooked that way. And when I have paid, I usually do the 1-3 day trials.
This is not to say that I haven’t lost money to this addiction. Less than a year ago, I discovered that I was being charged by a porn site and had been for months and months at around $30 or $40 a pop. How did I overlook this? I have sometimes neglected my bills for months until my creditors start calling or sending threatening letters. Because I’d waited so long, I couldn’t get reimbursed by my bank. I probably lost $400 or $500.
Again, this is a far cry from the thousands of dollars that some men spend on prostitutes but given my penny-pinching acting out behavior, it was a blow. And often when I’m feeling down, I will turn to porn to “medicate” those feelings. I haven’t learned--or at the very least, I don’t practice--a more skillful way of dealing with uncomfortable feelings.
I have lost my last two relationships to my addiction. I’ve never been able to go as deep as I want in a relationship, especially the last one I had. I feel that my ability to love a woman, deeply and fully, with an open heart, has been compromised by my addiction. How could I when I felt that she didn’t measure up to my distorted physical expectations. She wasn’t a Playboy Bunny! She wasn’t young enough be my daughter!
Although both women were six or seven years younger than I, they still didn’t have the bodies that I imagined they did in their teens and twenties. I found fault with both of them despite the fact that I was enamored with them in other ways. And as much as I found faults with them, I also found faults with myself and with my own body. I wasn’t buff enough, strong enough, cool enough, suave enough, rich enough. When I compare myself to others I’m objectifying myself in a way which is similar to how I objectify women.
The last thing I want to talk about is “the bubble” as a consequence. Whether I’m with other people or not, I can slip into the bubble. This makes me less present and in touch with myself. I’m out of my body and out of touch with reality. When I’m with another person, I become disengaged and disinterested in that person. The bubble is just like a trance. I am en-tranced! At these times, I’ve occasionally gotten the question: “Where did you go?” And when I’m with a women that I’m seeing, she is often aware of my attention waning and, more often than not, offended.
So, these are a few of the main consequences. I wish I could feel the weight of them as I’m about to sit down at the computer for 4 or 5 hours but by then it’s usually too late. I’m already in the bubble.
Not long after I'd written this I spoke with my sponsor to go over my circles. I came across this list which I had written some time ago. It is still as relevant today.
The Price That I Pay for Acting Out:
• It is a faux passion which keeps me from discovering my real passion
• It saps my energy and motivation for pursuing goals and dreams that I want to accomplish
• It keeps me self-centered and contracted, emotionally unavailable to other people
• It dulls my emotional response and keeps me relatively numb
• It warps my perception of women and sexuality
• It keeps me from pursuing more healthy sexual relationships with women
• It keeps me from being in a committed relationship
• It perpetuates the fantasy that if I had “that” I would be truly happy
• It keeps me from being self-disciplined and building my character
• It masks the underlying cause of my unhappiness
• It reinforces the idea that I need something outside of myself—particularly women—to be happy
• It keeps me from tapping my creativity and being more productive with my time
• It keeps me from developing friendships with both men and women
It's not true that pornography doesn't hurt anyone. It hurts the user. I think it also hurts the providers and especially the men and women, boys and girls whom are exploited by it but that's a topic for another time. How does it hurt me?
As I state in my profile, my life is on hold. I am stuck. It has been said about addiction—not just sex addiction—that people get stuck at the emotional age when they began to act out. When I consider the hormone-crazed, lust-driven, desperate person I become when I'm fully in my addiction, it’s not a stretch to imagine how my emotional pause button got pushed during adolescence.
It’s also not a stretch to consider this when I think that what I want more than anything is to have sex with women. Not just any women—beautiful women, young women, hot women. I don’t know when fucking models became the ultimate goal to strive for
but when I step back and look at it, it seems pretty damn shallow. And from an intellectual perspective I can see how ridiculous it is, but on an emotional level, it is gut-wrenchingly real.
So, what are the consequences? Time! I grieve about how much time I have spent trolling the internet looking for the next big hit. Hours and hours and hours. Holed up and isolated in my apartment, sometimes going without food, often going without sleep. The grief comes when I consider all of the other things I could have been doing with that time: practicing a musical instrument, learning a new skill, furthering my career, developing some of my talents, spending time with friends, dating, exercising, etc.. There are a million things more positive and life-enhancing than looking at porn and masturbating.
How many opportunities with REAL women did I miss? When I could have been out meeting women, I was ensconced in my own little fantasy world. I talked to a guy last night who’s trying to figure out if he is an addict. He told me he’s fucked A LOT of women and always has a woman friend that he can summon for a booty call. Is he a sex addict? His friends tell him he’s lucky. I didn’t have an easy answer for him.
I get a bit jealous when I hear this because I’ve never felt that confident with women, not with the women that I’ve found really attractive anyway. Because of my preoccupation with “getting the girl” I’ve neglected to develop myself in other ways. I don’t really have a career and I’m not even sure what I want to do.
When I say that my life is on hold, what I really mean is that I have no fucking idea what I REALLY want. It seems that the ersatz passion of pornography has eclipsed my real passions—passions that I had when I was younger that got forgotten or neglected. Now those passions from childhoot seem luke-warm to me. The fire in my belly is smoldering. It’s not out but it feels like it will go out if I keep on acting out.
In some ways I feel that indulging in porn is a soul-deadening experience. I become out of touch with my emotions, distant, indifferent. There’s no exchange like there is in real sex. I think that even addictive sex would be better than having an orgasm by yourself to assuage your loneliness. I imagine that there are men whose sex addiction is to prostitutes or other partners who might beg to differ but that is not my affliction so it seems like it would be better. At least there would be some human contact.
I’m pretty much a cheapskate when it comes to acting out so I usually find the free porn on the internet (which seems to be limitless). Of course, much of it is designed to lure you to a paying site but I rarely get hooked that way. And when I have paid, I usually do the 1-3 day trials.
This is not to say that I haven’t lost money to this addiction. Less than a year ago, I discovered that I was being charged by a porn site and had been for months and months at around $30 or $40 a pop. How did I overlook this? I have sometimes neglected my bills for months until my creditors start calling or sending threatening letters. Because I’d waited so long, I couldn’t get reimbursed by my bank. I probably lost $400 or $500.
Again, this is a far cry from the thousands of dollars that some men spend on prostitutes but given my penny-pinching acting out behavior, it was a blow. And often when I’m feeling down, I will turn to porn to “medicate” those feelings. I haven’t learned--or at the very least, I don’t practice--a more skillful way of dealing with uncomfortable feelings.
I have lost my last two relationships to my addiction. I’ve never been able to go as deep as I want in a relationship, especially the last one I had. I feel that my ability to love a woman, deeply and fully, with an open heart, has been compromised by my addiction. How could I when I felt that she didn’t measure up to my distorted physical expectations. She wasn’t a Playboy Bunny! She wasn’t young enough be my daughter!
Although both women were six or seven years younger than I, they still didn’t have the bodies that I imagined they did in their teens and twenties. I found fault with both of them despite the fact that I was enamored with them in other ways. And as much as I found faults with them, I also found faults with myself and with my own body. I wasn’t buff enough, strong enough, cool enough, suave enough, rich enough. When I compare myself to others I’m objectifying myself in a way which is similar to how I objectify women.
The last thing I want to talk about is “the bubble” as a consequence. Whether I’m with other people or not, I can slip into the bubble. This makes me less present and in touch with myself. I’m out of my body and out of touch with reality. When I’m with another person, I become disengaged and disinterested in that person. The bubble is just like a trance. I am en-tranced! At these times, I’ve occasionally gotten the question: “Where did you go?” And when I’m with a women that I’m seeing, she is often aware of my attention waning and, more often than not, offended.
So, these are a few of the main consequences. I wish I could feel the weight of them as I’m about to sit down at the computer for 4 or 5 hours but by then it’s usually too late. I’m already in the bubble.
Not long after I'd written this I spoke with my sponsor to go over my circles. I came across this list which I had written some time ago. It is still as relevant today.
The Price That I Pay for Acting Out:
• It is a faux passion which keeps me from discovering my real passion
• It saps my energy and motivation for pursuing goals and dreams that I want to accomplish
• It keeps me self-centered and contracted, emotionally unavailable to other people
• It dulls my emotional response and keeps me relatively numb
• It warps my perception of women and sexuality
• It keeps me from pursuing more healthy sexual relationships with women
• It keeps me from being in a committed relationship
• It perpetuates the fantasy that if I had “that” I would be truly happy
• It keeps me from being self-disciplined and building my character
• It masks the underlying cause of my unhappiness
• It reinforces the idea that I need something outside of myself—particularly women—to be happy
• It keeps me from tapping my creativity and being more productive with my time
• It keeps me from developing friendships with both men and women
posted by David at 3:25 PM
1 Comments:
Touching story man. All you have to do is starve yourself of porn, even when its impossible. Starve yourself of MB. When you get to the point when you are shaking practically because your sex energy is so built up after weeks and months of celibacy, something happens. You go crazy. Now, you take that crazy, lonely feeling and use that power and energy to find a wife. A fully sexually charged man will DO anything to find a woman in the real world if the put of self imposed constraints like being celibate. Read Napoleon Hill's "Think and Grow Rich", esp the 10th chapter on sex transmutation. Remember, that crazy feeling of lust is their for one purpose: to get you out of the house and meet women. Let your balls build up, so that you will have a lot of balls to talk to women. I am getting married in one month and 20 days. I have been celibate for 1 year and 4 months. No sex and no MB. I used to be like you. No social life no dating until I started to SAVE ALL MY SEX ENERGY. When a man has had no release for 3 months, he will put himself in amazingly hard social situations with complete confidence since a full set of loaded balls gives him powers of braveness and courage. One last thing. When you starve yourself of the images of porn models, after a few months, normal women will start to look very very pretty. Pretty enough to marry. You will see a normal looking girl walking down the street and you'll be like HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!! Whereas a man that constantly sees only the best looking women on the internet will not even notice that normal woman on the street. Lastly, wait until get married to blow your load. The more you build up your sex energy for your fiance, the more you will bond with her. Its like all those chemicals that make one horny and whatnot actually make you guys imprint on each other like a women and a baby. You will prevail. Learn.
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