REPAIR Redux

It's been over two years since I first posted about the REPAIR group I wanted to start. I did get four other men interested in a group and, until recently, we were meeting weekly. In order to expedite the formation of a group I had to compromise the principles that I outlined in that original post. I found other men through SAA and we formed what is commonly referred to as a "Feedback Group." While the group was helpful I didn't feel like it went far enough. The focus was never primarily about where we wanted to get to but where we were coming from. While I think it is helpful to be aware of where you've been and where you are now, without a clear vision of where you want to go, I think that recovery is much more challenging, or even impossible.

Perhaps the time is right for this group to happen now. I'm still interested in finding other men who want to take this journey towards fulfilling their potential. This starts with clarifying goals for ourselves and is followed by consistent effort towards attaining them. The group that I envision, and want to be a part of, is a group where we focus on these goals and support one another in achieving them. I'm not talking here about the goal of refraining from porn. That is a given. I'm talking about the goals that get us excited about getting up in the morning. The goals that we are working towards every day. That goals that are tangible which lend themselves to easily tracking our progress.

Please contact me if this is something that you are interested in or if you'd like to discuss this. Read the original post, dated July 27, 2009 for a more in-depth look at my ideas around recovery.

A Quick Update

If you came to this blog to find out more information about the support group I'm trying to get off the ground, please see the previous post titled REPAIR. You may notice that the post is about a year old. This is because I have had little luck in promoting the group through MeetUp.com, through Craigslist or through other venues. I've made a few changes to the post, including a new name for the group, but otherwise it has changed very little.

I know that the problem of Internet porn is wide-spread, especially in our Western culture where we have a high saturation of Internet users. But, for whatever reason, I haven't been able to reach the men (or women) who might benefit from a group like this. I started two "feedback" groups within SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) in the past and they were helpful while they lasted. But this group I'm trying to start now is not a 12 Step group (although I welcome people from any 12 Step fellowship). The difference is that we don't demonize porn by calling it sinful, and nor do we rely on a Higher Power to "save" us. We choose to stop using porn because we can see the damage that it has caused. We're ready to take our lives back!

REPAIR (Re-Engaging: Porn Addicts In Recovery) A Group for Porn Addicts Who Want More Out of Life

I'm starting this group for one simple reason—I want to find recovery from porn and move on with my life, experiencing all the beauty, joy and excitement that life has to offer. Internet porn has kept me stuck in an eddy of fantasy and illusion that I want to escape for good so I can start flowing with the wonder and joy of life!

The acronym REPAIR suggests a couple of things. First of all, it suggests that there has been damage done through our porn addiction. Although the major damage may have been done to oneself, there is often a lot of collateral damage as well. And it suggests that it can be repaired, at least where our own life is concerned and often with those we love and cherish if they have a capacity to forgive.

As porn addicts we have become disengaged from life in various ways. We’ve lost track of our true passion and our authentic masculinity. We’ve become more isolated and alienated even though we are still spending time with people. The distortions in our thinking has caused us to become less intimate even as we have become more sexual! So, to re-engage means to re-find this intimate connection to people and to life that we have lost through our porn addiction.

If you’re familiar with the 12 Steps, you’ll know that the sponsor/sponsee relationship is a very important part of the recovery process. While I don’t agree with everything that the 12 Steps advocates (more on that later), I think that it is absolutely essential to be accountable to other people to find recovery from porn addiction. And, I think it can be very helpful to pair up with one particular person who you are going to be completely accountable to. That person may be a sponsor but it might also be a friend in recovery who has a similar pattern to yours. The important thing is to be absolutely honest with that particular person and to have frequent contact.

I believe that another important component of recovery from porn is to figure out what one’s passions are outside of the realm of sex. I think that people who have become obsessed with porn have effectively narrowed their attention and focus down so much that they are often out of touch with their hopes and dreams. Making the effort to get away from porn is not enough, one must also put energy and effort into what one REALLY wants. This may involve some deep soul searching. But without filling the void, abstinence from porn is not enough!

Ever since I discovered porn on the Web back in 1993 I have been struggling to find recovery. I have gone a few weeks here and there and have even gotten up to 2 months once or twice. But usually that was after having surrendered my modem or computer. Right now I have an unfiltered Internet connection. I’ve looked into the idea of using a filter on my computer but have decided against it. If you’ve decided that a filter works for you, I fully support you but I’m committed to finding recovery while keeping my Internet connection without any kind of filter.

I’ve spent well over a decade trying to find recovery through 12-Step programs with little success. I’ve had several different sponsors, I’ve done my First Step a couple of times, I’ve been the secretary of at least 2 meetings and, most recently, I spent 3 months in a 12 Step based treatment program overseas. I’ve worked the steps up to Step 8. But, after so many years going to meetings, I’m disenchanted with that model of recovery. There’s a lot of evidence to suggest that people find recovery at least as much outside of 12-Step programs as they do within.

Nevertheless, I think that programs like SAA and SLAA definitely have something to offer the porn addict, especially someone just getting into recovery, so I’m not philosophically opposed to them. I am however taking a break from that model for the most part. But there are a couple of principles I’m taking with me from the 12-Step model which apply to this group: the importance of community and accountability. I have struggled by myself to find sobriety to no avail. And when I have managed to string a few weeks together, accountability often played an important role in it.

For me porn has been a way to deal with my anxiety and fear around approaching and dating women that I am really attracted to. I’ve also used spirituality as a rationalization for not going after what I really want. I believed that I could transcend my earthly desires if I became enlightened. While I’m still on a spiritual path, I no longer feel the need to create a dichotomy between spirituality and sexuality. No longer will they be mutually exclusive!

So, I’ve finally gotten to a place where it is OK to go after the women that I’ve always wanted but never had the balls to pursue. That doesn’t mean that I’m looking for a one night stand or I’m now looking for women to validate me. It does mean that I’m giving myself permission to pursue, connect with, date and possibly sleep with women that turn me on. My goal is not to have casual sex or to exploit women but to improve this area of my life! My addiction has a lot to do with NOT pursuing this one thing that I’ve wanted all my life but instead rationalized away while indulging in porn.

You might be married or in a relationship and, if you are, I imagine that what YOU really want may look different from what I want. But the bottom line is that WE need to let go of porn to have what we want, whether it’s a better relationship with our wife or girlfriend or a better “game” to attract the woman of our dreams. I see the benefit of recovery as not just having better relationships with those close to us but better relationships in general with ALL of the people in our lives: friends, lovers, family members, co-workers and even acquaintances and strangers.

Porn often leads to contraction and self-involvement. Recovery leads to expansion and relationship! Just like people can and do drink alcohol responsibly, I don’t think porn is inherently bad. But alcoholics need to stay away from alcohol if they are going to have a happy, joyous life and the same is true of porn addicts. Perhaps one day we will find a way to have a manageable relationship with our addiction but first we have to learn to live without it.

Still Struggling — But with a New Strategy

I can't believe how long it's been since I posted here! But that's how it goes with me. I have an email in my In Box that's 3 years old! And it's been almost 3 years since I posted an entry. One thing can be said about my recovery—I keep coming back! I just went to a MeetUp group and I'm thinking about starting an anonymous MeetUp group to address this addiction. I have been meeting with a 12-Step Feedback Group but it has been rather sporadic lately. When we are meeting, we meet every other week but the focus is on sex addiction, not specifically on porn addiction. I think I want to address the issue specifically. I know there is no shortage of porn addicts out there! And I imagine that some of them want help.

I have not gone back to re-read all of the blog entries. That's something I will do in the near future. So, I don't recall if I related my feelings about the 12-Steps. I've been in SAA now for a decade and SLAA for at least 2 or 3 years before that. Clearly, it's not working! Now, it could very well be that I'm just not working the program diligently enough. But the thing is that I'm not inclined to do so. I am inclined to find recovery however. I don't hold the belief as others in the program do that the 12-Steps are the only way or even the best way to find recovery.

I spent several months in the last year and a half trying to create a psychotherapy group. My therapist agreed to facilitate the meeting if I could find the men. I found a few guys online through Craigslist but they turned out to be pretty flaky. So, I've given up on that idea. But, I believe in the power of groups to help its constituent members. This is probably one of the reasons that I kept going back to SAA for so many years. However, I think that that format is limited. I see value in it for certain people but it has failed me. Yes, I've heard that "it works if you work it." But there's nothing intrinsic to the program to deal with a lack of motivation.

I stayed up until 4:15 am last night even though I'd agreed to call a friend at around 8:30 or so to talk about the possibility of a run. I set the alarm to call her and said that I wasn't up for it. I didn't tell her that it was because I'd only gotten 4 hours of sleep! This is a woman that I was intimately involved with whom I love. But because of my addiction and the fact that I didn't find her sexually attractive, we decided to transition to a platonic relationship. This was not without some trials and tribulations! But she is my best friend today. Incidentally, I've stopped sharing (much) about my addiction or (anything) about my dating life. It's too hard for her to hear about it.

So my new strategy is to actually go for what I want! I've spent so many years—about 3 decades—finding one reason or another not to pursue the women that I was most attracted to. I did have a couple of relationships with women I found quite attractive but I never had the courage to go after the really hot women, the women that really turned me on. I've let fear control that part of my life and I've used porn to medicate the suffering I've experienced around that. So, now, I'm taking the steps I need to finally handle that part of my life and find the success I've always wanted with women. Do I think that's going to fix my life or make me whole? Of course not! But it's a wish that I've had for so long and suppressed for so long.

I found many reasons not to pursue that goal, chief among them a spiritual rationalization that it would not really fulfill me. I know it won't fulfill me in any absolute way but in the same way that I can find relative satisfaction from a job well done, I can find some relative satisfaction from a good relationship (whether it is short-term dating or a long-term relationship). And that doesn't mean that I have to forfeit my interest in spirituality. I've often set up my spiritual life against my material life but the fact is that everything is spiritual. This dichotomy has created endless tension and suffering within me. I still struggle with this issue but I no longer want to let it control me!

Self Parenting

The summer has passed in a flash. I have not been sober more than about a week at a time. I have come to my wit's end again and again. I have cried myself to sleep. I have gone through the initial stages of withdrawal, feeling anxious, antsy and uncomfortable…and then turned to my favorite drug. It works every time. But it is like trying to stop hemorrhaging with a band aid.

I know that in order to get different results than I’ve been getting, I need to do something different. So, to that end, I have started a feedback group. Three of us meet weekly, soon to be joined by a fourth. Unlike most 12-Step meetings where feedback is discouraged during the meeting, our get-togethers focus on giving and receiving feedback. We met this evening for the second time.

There are two things that this meeting provides which I think are absolutely necessary for recovery—connection and accountability. My addiction thrives in isolation. The more I can reach out, the more likely I am to stay sober. And I’ve realized that that may mean seeking out fellowship after meetings instead of bolting out and avoiding any kind of intimacy, however fleeting.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about self-parenting. My father died almost 20 years ago and my mother has been lost to Alzheimer’s. In the absence of parents, I have to act as my own parent. I have to decide what is appropriate or inappropriate, good or bad, or, as prefer to think about it, skillful and unskillful.

I try to be the good parent to my inner child, not simply chastising and punishing but understanding. And, yet, it is time to get tough with my addictive child. He is running amok. Staying up until 3am in the morning when I have to get up and get ready for work at 7:30am is not skillful. Often when I do this, I notice the critical side of myself coming out, the judgemental parent. While the judgement doesn’t help, the parenting may.

Every child needs a guardian, whether a parent, sibling or other family member, to offer direction and to set boundaries. And if they don’t have it, kids act out too. So too with addicts. So, with this in mind, I have created some guidelines and boundaries for myself. One of the things that we do in our feedback meetings is to set intentions for the week ahead.

Here are my intentions for this week:
• I’m going to go to 3 “S” (SAA or SLAA) meetings this week.
• I’m not going to use the computer after 11pm.
• I’m going to write in this blog at least twice (1 down :-)
• I’m going to place the Tools of Recovery Booklet by the computer and pick it up when I feel slippery.
• I’m going to track my behavior and record my skillful and unskillful actions

A Slippery Slope

It's been almost 6 weeks since I made an entry. The main reason is that I have been acting out alot. Initially, it was every week or so but lately it has been every 2 or 3 days. In fact, last night I was up until about 3:30am looking at porn and masturbating. To say I am at my wit's end is close but not quite right. I don't feel that my situation is hopeless but I do continue to be baffled and perplexed by my own behavior. I tell myself and others that I want to stop but I don't. My actions speak louder than my words. I've heard it said that if you want to know what you really want all you have to do is look at what you have. In some sense I think that this is quite true. We create the life we want, albeit, much of the time unconsciously.

The other reason that I have not made an entry is that I have been calling a lot of my beliefs into question. Is this Blog helpful to my recovery? Is the 12 Steps an effective path to recovery? Is my lack of success with this because I have not applied myself assiduously enough to the steps? Is it due to a lack of will power or self-discipline? Could it be that I really don’t want to stop this behavior? Perhaps the question most uppermost on my mind is the question: Is there a better way?

Despite the popularity of the 12 Steps, there are some dissenting voices out there. One of them is Stanton Peele who wrote the book, Truth About Addiction and Recovery. While it does seem, as one reviewer on Amazon put it, that the author has a “serious ax to grind” I think that he offers a viable alternative to the 12 Steps. At the very least, the book is useful in challenging the idea that the 12 Steps are the ONLY way to recover from addiction. Here is how another reviewer summed up Stanton Peele’s approach…

Flying in the face of conventional thought, "The Truth about Addiction and Recovery" encourages the reader to challenge the contention that addiction is a disease. The authors' contention is that addiction is a coping mechanism that people develop to deal with life's stressful situations. Instead of doing the 12-step program the solution is to develop alternative coping skills. Addiction is a symptom and not the disease.

Peale argues that treatment for addiction should be based on learning skills that allow the addicted person to cope better, communicate easier and relate to others better. One of the more interesting points of the book is the analysis of people who try to kick an addiction without going through a 12-step type program. Statistically, untreated people have the same or better success rate as those in treatment. The author make a very strong case and argues it well. This should be required reading for anyone dealing with an addiction or who knows someone dealing with an addiction whether it is drugs, sex, food, shopping or whatever other addictive behavior they may have.

In my own case, my problem may be that I have never fully embraced the 12 Steps. I consider myself to be spiritual but not religious. While the 12 Step program claims to be a spiritual program of recovery, it often feels religious to me. Below I’ve listed some of the things that I like and dislike about the 12 Steps:

Things I like about the 12-Step Model:

The camaraderie with other men (and sometimes women) who share my struggles.
The respect for anonymity.
The emphasis on spiritual growth to aid in recovery.
A leaderless group facilitated by a “secretary.”
The cost ($1-2 or Free to those who can’t pay)

Things I don’t like about the 12-Step Model:

The notion of addiction as disease.
The idea of powerlessness.
The rigid structure (ie. no feedback)
The unquestioning belief in the 12-step model
The assertion of addiction (ie. “Hi my name is Joe, I’m a sex addict.”)
The phraseology (ie. addiction, acting out, bottom line, disease, etc.)


These lists are from a post that I made on Craigslist back in 2003. Because my pattern of behavior hasn’t changed much since then I think that I’m going to repost it. My impetus for posting a message then was to find a self-sustaining, leaderless group of men who want to find recovery. I’m hoping for a better response this time.

I envision a group of 4 or 5 men who meet every week and offer support to one another. I don’t want this to be a 12 Step group but I’m not opposed to anyone participating who is in a 12 Step group. As I mentioned above, there are some things I like about the 12 Steps.

One of the tools of the 12 Step program is something called a feedback group. To my mind, this provides some of the best aspects of the 12 Steps without some of its hang-ups. There is a certain formality so that the meeting is structured but the focus is on one another’s experience and how we can help each other. Although I have not been a part of a feedback group, I have attended 12 Step meetings that use the feedback model. What I have found is that the collective wisdom of the participants is greater than, and seems more pertinent than, much of the 12 Step literature which I find to be somewhat stilted. I also found in these meetings that I have a lot to offer others and that what I have to share is often what I need to hear!

I have been trying (not very hard) to get a feedback group off the ground. I’ve also though about starting my own 12 Step meeting with the emphasis on Internet Addiction. At this point, I’m more interested in getting a feedback meeting started. If this is something that you think might be helpful or if you want more information, leave a comment.

How I Slip

While I may not know exactly why I slip time and time again—as I did again last night —I have a pretty good sense about how it happens. Yesterday, I was working at a bookstore where I work from time to time to fill in the gaps. It’s a pretty mellow job and it allows me time to browse through books and magazines. I picked up a foreign issue of a photo magazine that I know always has female nudes in it. While not pornographic, the pictures can still be quite triggering. This activity is in my middle circle. I almost always spend some time in the middle circle before I visit the inner circle. (For more information about the Circles, see the 4.1.06 entry)

Often at times like those I feel that I am immune. Why I think that I can look at nudes with impunity—at this incipient stage of recovery—I don’t know. At other times, like yesterday, I know that I’m not immune but I don’t care. I’m feeling a bit down and I want a “hit.” Often it is the extremes of emotion which drive me towards my addiction. I feel really good or I feel like crap. When I feel really good, acting out seems like a kind of celebration. But when I’m feeling good AND I’m not sitting at the computer already, I don’t think about going there to act out. I can usually find something else to do if I’m not engaged with something already. But when I’m feeling crappy, I often feel compelled to escape the feeling with my favorite drug—Porn. It is an extremely effective mood shifter. My troubles vaporize as I disappear into porn oblivion. There is an incredible sense of focus which blocks out everything else. There is a timelessness that I slip into.

As I am writing this, I am getting a bit triggered. That is the double-edged sword of writing this way. Perhaps I should write longhand in a journal and then transcribe it. I’ll have to give that some thought. The thing about Porn, and the reason I keep coming back again and again, is that it works more effectively to lift my mood than anything else. Not only does it lift my mood but it brings me intense pleasure. The search for the new material is like the treasure hunt to the child. There is pleasure in the anticipation and pleasure in the hunt. The interesting thing is that despite the amount of the porn on the Internet, sometime I can’t find the really satisfying new stuff.

That’s when I think that I need to get more creative in my searching OR pay good money which I am loathe to do. So, surfing for porn becomes a kind of game to find the “good stuff” for free. Somehow that makes it more satisfying and I sometimes feel like I’ve “beat the system.” But the cost is usually in time spent. Rarely do I spend less than a few hours looking at porn and there have been many times when I’ve gone 4, 5 or even 6 hours at a stretch. There are SO MANY better ways to spend my time but I never get into regret while I am acting out. In fact, I also drop my judgments about it. It is pure indulgence.

Besides the emotional factors, it is my core beliefs that drive me to act out. The number one belief is that somehow I am not enough. This may be situational: I’m feeling awkward in this group of people, or it may be a personal belief: I’m not funny. In some way I don’t measure up to the imaginary ideal that I’ve created. This dissatisfaction, which is usually about myself, creates disharmony and anxiety. In some way I don’t accept myself or the situation. I have the belief that if I could be unconditionally accepting of myself or the situation that I could break out of this pattern. The problem is that I think there are sub-conscious or un-conscious beliefs at work that I have yet to uncover.