How I Slip

While I may not know exactly why I slip time and time again—as I did again last night —I have a pretty good sense about how it happens. Yesterday, I was working at a bookstore where I work from time to time to fill in the gaps. It’s a pretty mellow job and it allows me time to browse through books and magazines. I picked up a foreign issue of a photo magazine that I know always has female nudes in it. While not pornographic, the pictures can still be quite triggering. This activity is in my middle circle. I almost always spend some time in the middle circle before I visit the inner circle. (For more information about the Circles, see the 4.1.06 entry)

Often at times like those I feel that I am immune. Why I think that I can look at nudes with impunity—at this incipient stage of recovery—I don’t know. At other times, like yesterday, I know that I’m not immune but I don’t care. I’m feeling a bit down and I want a “hit.” Often it is the extremes of emotion which drive me towards my addiction. I feel really good or I feel like crap. When I feel really good, acting out seems like a kind of celebration. But when I’m feeling good AND I’m not sitting at the computer already, I don’t think about going there to act out. I can usually find something else to do if I’m not engaged with something already. But when I’m feeling crappy, I often feel compelled to escape the feeling with my favorite drug—Porn. It is an extremely effective mood shifter. My troubles vaporize as I disappear into porn oblivion. There is an incredible sense of focus which blocks out everything else. There is a timelessness that I slip into.

As I am writing this, I am getting a bit triggered. That is the double-edged sword of writing this way. Perhaps I should write longhand in a journal and then transcribe it. I’ll have to give that some thought. The thing about Porn, and the reason I keep coming back again and again, is that it works more effectively to lift my mood than anything else. Not only does it lift my mood but it brings me intense pleasure. The search for the new material is like the treasure hunt to the child. There is pleasure in the anticipation and pleasure in the hunt. The interesting thing is that despite the amount of the porn on the Internet, sometime I can’t find the really satisfying new stuff.

That’s when I think that I need to get more creative in my searching OR pay good money which I am loathe to do. So, surfing for porn becomes a kind of game to find the “good stuff” for free. Somehow that makes it more satisfying and I sometimes feel like I’ve “beat the system.” But the cost is usually in time spent. Rarely do I spend less than a few hours looking at porn and there have been many times when I’ve gone 4, 5 or even 6 hours at a stretch. There are SO MANY better ways to spend my time but I never get into regret while I am acting out. In fact, I also drop my judgments about it. It is pure indulgence.

Besides the emotional factors, it is my core beliefs that drive me to act out. The number one belief is that somehow I am not enough. This may be situational: I’m feeling awkward in this group of people, or it may be a personal belief: I’m not funny. In some way I don’t measure up to the imaginary ideal that I’ve created. This dissatisfaction, which is usually about myself, creates disharmony and anxiety. In some way I don’t accept myself or the situation. I have the belief that if I could be unconditionally accepting of myself or the situation that I could break out of this pattern. The problem is that I think there are sub-conscious or un-conscious beliefs at work that I have yet to uncover.

Anatomy of a Slip

The day before yesterday I had a slip. I acted out. I looked at porn from about 10:30pm until about 3am. My M.O. is to download pictures and movies onto my hard drive until I get thoroughly satiated—which rarely happens—or I get too tired to continue or I just decide that it’s been long enough. My ritual involves looking for porn that I haven’t seen before and revisiting porn that I’ve already looked at. While I am sitting in front of my computer I am masturbating the whole time. Then, when I am done—when I come—I usually toss all of the porn.

This pattern is similar to the binge and purge cycle of a bulimic. I gorge myself on porn until I can’t, or don’t want to, consume anymore. When I’ve had my fill and gotten off I throw it out because at that point I don’t want to repeat the cycle! Sometimes though, while I am masturbating and looking at porn, I think about keeping it, since I often download porn that I’ve seen already. There are two reasons why I don’t do this. One—I sincerely want to stop—until I don’t. And, two, the ritual of the search is such an integral part of the whole addictive process. There is a certain thrill of discovery that comes with finding porn that I haven’t seen before.

One of the lame rationalizations I use is that I rarely spend any money on this habit. Occasionally I will spend $1-3 for a 3-day intro but rarely will I spend more than that. A few times I’ve splurged for the more expensive sites, around $25 or $30 for a month. But knowing that part of me wants to stop and that, while I am actively engaged in a program of recovery, I will have to fess up to my actions, I really can’t keep it for very long. The flip flopping back and forth between indulgence and abstinence is sometimes crazy making. Am I Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde? I guess that I am both. Although I don’t spend much money, the cost in time is enormous. I have a lot of grief over the time spent looking at porn, especially what I imagine the more life affirming things I could have been doing—dating, learning a new skill, doing something creative or productive.

The day before yesterday when I acted out was the same day that I visited court to support my fellow addict in court. As I mentioned, that was a powerful experience. I felt that it reinforced my commitment to recovery. Despite that experience, there were a few things working against me that day. The first is that sometimes when I open up more than usual, there is a tendency to contract more than usual. I’ve seen this pattern time and again. The second thing working against me was that I’d gone just about two weeks without acting out. Sometime I like to blame this on the fact that I have not had an orgasm in awhile so the energy gets backed up. But the fact of the matter is that I had sex with my ex (which is not in my inner or middle circles) several times during that two weeks. Thirdly, I became frustrated by a couple of different things that happened that day: I missed an appointment because of my absentmindedness and I was having a computer problem that I could not solve.

I began a post on the day I went to court by admitting that I was feeling “slippery,” and that I felt like acting out. I never finished it. Over the last couple of days I’ve also been feeling slippery. I was in my middle circle both yesterday and today. I’ve been clicking on questionable banner ads and visiting personals sites that I am not a member of. I was doing the latter this morning when I decided to write here instead. When I finish this I am going to call my sponsor. I think that I will go to a meeting this evening as well. Once I open the door to my addiction it usually doesn’t shut completely when I close it. That crack in the door is a constant enticement. I have to do a lot of work to close it completely.

This recent acting out is yet another reminder that I need to put some coping strategies in place to deal with those times when I am feeling hungry, horny, hurried, angry, lonely, tired, frustrated or overwhelmed—to name just a few of the feelings which can throw me off balance.

Consequences

Yesterday was an amazing opportunity to reflect on the consequences of my porn addiction. A little over a week ago one of the guys in a meeting I go to (whom I shall call Jack) said that we might not see him after that meeting. He told us that he had a court date coming up in which he was being sentenced. I missed his earlier shares detailing the actions that led him to his present predicament.

I was feeling compassionate but also intrigued. I spoke to Jack briefly for the first time after the meeting and told him that I would like to come to court on the date of his sentencing to show my support. That date was yesterday.

We heard from both the prosecutor and the defending attorney regarding the circumstances of the case. Apparently Jack had sex with minors in Asia and was planning on doing it again. I don’t recall how he found his “sex contact” in the US but I think it was through one of the “swingers” papers that you find in San Francisco. Little did he know that the person whom he was communicating with was an FBI agent!

In phone calls with his alleged sex connection Jack spoke about the sex he had with children overseas and plotted with this man to do it again. The man he was speaking with was purportedly a parent with children and there was talk about having sex with that man’s children, presumably after the trip to Asia.

The conversations were recorded and Jack was caught red-handed at the airport before he had a chance to leave the country. As I sat in court yesterday I learned, for the first time, the details of the case. I was riveted. There had been no sex in the US (as far as the record showed)—only the intent to have sex with a minor. Despite that fact, the charge carried a minimum sentence of 5 years in prison!

There were numerous factors which led to a reduced sentence, which, according to the defense attorney, was rare in any case involving child pornography where the usual sentence was 6-8 years. Foremost among those facts was the fact that Jack was not trafficking in child porn but just using it himself. There were a few things that worked in his favor—he had about 6 family members show up in court in addition to one or two friends. I was one of 4 men from SAA that also showed up in court to support him.

The public defender made a good case for a reduced sentence based on his client’s remorse and corrective actions which included a special program for sex addict’s, attending SAA meetings and going to therapy. After both lawyers had their say and an expert on sexual offenses was consulted regarding the sentence, Jack had an opportunity to speak for himself.

In an impassioned and remorseful speech, using no notes, he spoke from his heart about what had happened, how it had changed him and how he planned to help others to avoid the same fate. He was so eloquent that even the judge made mention of it. He apologized to everyone that he’d hurt and all those gathered—family, friends, fellow sex addicts and even the court. He spoke about helping others, not as an obligation but as an opportunity.

As a result of all these factors his sentence was reduced to two years. He will probably serve no more than a year and a half after allowances for good behavior, etc. I was very happy that I could be there to support Jack. There was a real sense of fellowship and camaraderie among the four men from SAA that came to court to support Jack. My heart was full when I left there.

Jack called me later to thank me from the “bottom of his heart.” He was touched, he said, because we had never spoken before I came to court that day with the exception of the few minutes we spoke after the SAA meeting. I was moved by his phone call and felt some gratitude for the opportunity to be of service.

Although I do not have a predilection for child porn, and I am consequently not at risk of being arrested, my own consequences are just a serious. Like mindless TV, I think there is a potential for brain rot from looking at too much porn. I don’t mean this literally of course but I can’t help thinking that I have done some harm to myself over the last decade of looking at so much porn.

At the very least, I have warped my sensibilities to the extent that I am dissatisfied with the majority of women out there. I’ve brainwashed myself to believe that only a model or a Playboy bunny will do for a life partner. Sure, I can date someone whom I’m less attracted to but I have a fear of marrying that person because I think that I will be somehow missing out!

At the other end of the spectrum, I think that I may have made some serious physical changes to my brain which may be difficult, if not impossible, to change. I know very little about the brain but what I imagine happens is that when you do something over and over again that you form some sort of groove in the brain. That’s why the power of habit is so powerful, whether negative or positive.

So, to a large extent, I feel that my recovery is based on creating some positive habits that will override, and hopefully erase, those negative habit patterns. I know it is an uphill battle but, as Eleanor Roosevelt is famous for saying, “One must do the thing they think they cannot do.”