Self Parenting
The summer has passed in a flash. I have not been sober more than about a week at a time. I have come to my wit's end again and again. I have cried myself to sleep. I have gone through the initial stages of withdrawal, feeling anxious, antsy and uncomfortable…and then turned to my favorite drug. It works every time. But it is like trying to stop hemorrhaging with a band aid.
I know that in order to get different results than I’ve been getting, I need to do something different. So, to that end, I have started a feedback group. Three of us meet weekly, soon to be joined by a fourth. Unlike most 12-Step meetings where feedback is discouraged during the meeting, our get-togethers focus on giving and receiving feedback. We met this evening for the second time.
There are two things that this meeting provides which I think are absolutely necessary for recovery—connection and accountability. My addiction thrives in isolation. The more I can reach out, the more likely I am to stay sober. And I’ve realized that that may mean seeking out fellowship after meetings instead of bolting out and avoiding any kind of intimacy, however fleeting.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about self-parenting. My father died almost 20 years ago and my mother has been lost to Alzheimer’s. In the absence of parents, I have to act as my own parent. I have to decide what is appropriate or inappropriate, good or bad, or, as prefer to think about it, skillful and unskillful.
I try to be the good parent to my inner child, not simply chastising and punishing but understanding. And, yet, it is time to get tough with my addictive child. He is running amok. Staying up until 3am in the morning when I have to get up and get ready for work at 7:30am is not skillful. Often when I do this, I notice the critical side of myself coming out, the judgemental parent. While the judgement doesn’t help, the parenting may.
Every child needs a guardian, whether a parent, sibling or other family member, to offer direction and to set boundaries. And if they don’t have it, kids act out too. So too with addicts. So, with this in mind, I have created some guidelines and boundaries for myself. One of the things that we do in our feedback meetings is to set intentions for the week ahead.
Here are my intentions for this week:
• I’m going to go to 3 “S” (SAA or SLAA) meetings this week.
• I’m not going to use the computer after 11pm.
• I’m going to write in this blog at least twice (1 down :-)
• I’m going to place the Tools of Recovery Booklet by the computer and pick it up when I feel slippery.
• I’m going to track my behavior and record my skillful and unskillful actions
The summer has passed in a flash. I have not been sober more than about a week at a time. I have come to my wit's end again and again. I have cried myself to sleep. I have gone through the initial stages of withdrawal, feeling anxious, antsy and uncomfortable…and then turned to my favorite drug. It works every time. But it is like trying to stop hemorrhaging with a band aid.
I know that in order to get different results than I’ve been getting, I need to do something different. So, to that end, I have started a feedback group. Three of us meet weekly, soon to be joined by a fourth. Unlike most 12-Step meetings where feedback is discouraged during the meeting, our get-togethers focus on giving and receiving feedback. We met this evening for the second time.
There are two things that this meeting provides which I think are absolutely necessary for recovery—connection and accountability. My addiction thrives in isolation. The more I can reach out, the more likely I am to stay sober. And I’ve realized that that may mean seeking out fellowship after meetings instead of bolting out and avoiding any kind of intimacy, however fleeting.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about self-parenting. My father died almost 20 years ago and my mother has been lost to Alzheimer’s. In the absence of parents, I have to act as my own parent. I have to decide what is appropriate or inappropriate, good or bad, or, as prefer to think about it, skillful and unskillful.
I try to be the good parent to my inner child, not simply chastising and punishing but understanding. And, yet, it is time to get tough with my addictive child. He is running amok. Staying up until 3am in the morning when I have to get up and get ready for work at 7:30am is not skillful. Often when I do this, I notice the critical side of myself coming out, the judgemental parent. While the judgement doesn’t help, the parenting may.
Every child needs a guardian, whether a parent, sibling or other family member, to offer direction and to set boundaries. And if they don’t have it, kids act out too. So too with addicts. So, with this in mind, I have created some guidelines and boundaries for myself. One of the things that we do in our feedback meetings is to set intentions for the week ahead.
Here are my intentions for this week:
• I’m going to go to 3 “S” (SAA or SLAA) meetings this week.
• I’m not going to use the computer after 11pm.
• I’m going to write in this blog at least twice (1 down :-)
• I’m going to place the Tools of Recovery Booklet by the computer and pick it up when I feel slippery.
• I’m going to track my behavior and record my skillful and unskillful actions
posted by David at 9:29 PM
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