In Retrospect (from my recovery journal) - 8.8.99
My God! I just noticed the entry in the beginning of this journal dated almost a year ago. I haven't made any progress at all! When is it going to stop? It is absurd to even consider living, or try to convince myself that I am living, a spiritual life as long as I am under the sway of this addiction. It is the epitome of grasping, of attachment. It has become my God. I have bowed down before the God of Lust and Materialism. I am brainwashed by this backward, affluent society which puts sex, money and fame before love, charity and wisdom. We give lip service to the latter as we indulge in the former. I feel the pull even now as I write—towards the egoic self-contraction which is guaranteed to keep me stuck in self-absorption and preoccupied with pleasure.
It is good for me to look back at these past missives to remember how long I’ve been trying to shake this addiction. Every now and then I think that I should just forget about recovery and get on with my life. The problem is that pornography has insinuated its way into my psyche so deeply that is is hard to ignore. I fear that so many years of using pornography has not only changed my brain chemistry but etched some new grooves in my brain. My repeated acting out has formed some deep-seated habit patterns which are ultra-sensitive to my mood and my thoughts.
Because we live in a media-saturated society, we are constantly bombarded by sexual messages, both subtle and overt. Often it is these messages, in magazine or newspaper ads, on billboards, or in movies that trigger me. Fortunately, I watch TV rarely which probably helps to some degree. I wonder if there are other ways that I can limit my media intake. I get way too many magazines and I have a box of unread magazines which is overflowing. I made the mistake recently of converting some bonus points (from a credit card, I think) into magazine subscriptions. The net result is that they add to my feelings of being overwhelmed which has been another potent trigger for me.
I have often turned to porn when I want to take a mental vacation, when life becomes overwhelming. Time seems to stop as I become completely absorbed in my porn ritual which involves searching for some new fresh stuff and revisiting old favorites. A spiritual teacher that I respect epitomized this craving and dissatisfaction quite succinctly.
More, Better, Different. Not only is this a good description of my state of mind while acting out but it’s also a good description of the deep malaise that our culture suffers from—materialism run rampant! It’s old news, but worth reflecting on, that our advertising industry, a multi-billion dollar industry, thrives on creating dissatisfaction! There are a few small counter-cultural voices in the media that challenge these ideals. One of my favorites is Adbusters. But while I like the message, I don’t often take the time to read it. Changing one’s brainwashed consumer consciousness is part of the uphill struggle for recovery. Being aware of how brainwashed we are is the first step.
My God! I just noticed the entry in the beginning of this journal dated almost a year ago. I haven't made any progress at all! When is it going to stop? It is absurd to even consider living, or try to convince myself that I am living, a spiritual life as long as I am under the sway of this addiction. It is the epitome of grasping, of attachment. It has become my God. I have bowed down before the God of Lust and Materialism. I am brainwashed by this backward, affluent society which puts sex, money and fame before love, charity and wisdom. We give lip service to the latter as we indulge in the former. I feel the pull even now as I write—towards the egoic self-contraction which is guaranteed to keep me stuck in self-absorption and preoccupied with pleasure.
It is good for me to look back at these past missives to remember how long I’ve been trying to shake this addiction. Every now and then I think that I should just forget about recovery and get on with my life. The problem is that pornography has insinuated its way into my psyche so deeply that is is hard to ignore. I fear that so many years of using pornography has not only changed my brain chemistry but etched some new grooves in my brain. My repeated acting out has formed some deep-seated habit patterns which are ultra-sensitive to my mood and my thoughts.
Because we live in a media-saturated society, we are constantly bombarded by sexual messages, both subtle and overt. Often it is these messages, in magazine or newspaper ads, on billboards, or in movies that trigger me. Fortunately, I watch TV rarely which probably helps to some degree. I wonder if there are other ways that I can limit my media intake. I get way too many magazines and I have a box of unread magazines which is overflowing. I made the mistake recently of converting some bonus points (from a credit card, I think) into magazine subscriptions. The net result is that they add to my feelings of being overwhelmed which has been another potent trigger for me.
I have often turned to porn when I want to take a mental vacation, when life becomes overwhelming. Time seems to stop as I become completely absorbed in my porn ritual which involves searching for some new fresh stuff and revisiting old favorites. A spiritual teacher that I respect epitomized this craving and dissatisfaction quite succinctly.
More, Better, Different. Not only is this a good description of my state of mind while acting out but it’s also a good description of the deep malaise that our culture suffers from—materialism run rampant! It’s old news, but worth reflecting on, that our advertising industry, a multi-billion dollar industry, thrives on creating dissatisfaction! There are a few small counter-cultural voices in the media that challenge these ideals. One of my favorites is Adbusters. But while I like the message, I don’t often take the time to read it. Changing one’s brainwashed consumer consciousness is part of the uphill struggle for recovery. Being aware of how brainwashed we are is the first step.
posted by David at 5:18 PM
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