What this Blog Isn't: I have no moral viewpoint on addiction. I have no axe to grind. I have no particular religious perspective. Although I follow a spiritual path, of sorts, I fully acknowledge that there are many paths to recovery, some religious, some spiritual and some secular.
Some paths may involve a “God” or “Higher Power” of your understanding. Neither of these terms particularly appeal to me so I will probably use them sparingly, if at all. I am in a 12 Step program—Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) —but I don’t agree with everything that they advocate. So, while I may talk about the 12 Steps, I don’t think that it is right for everybody. I have no agenda and no beliefs to sell.
What this Blog Is: The main purpose of this Blog is for me to explore my addiction and recovery in an open forum and, hopefully, to assist in my own recovery. I will share what has and hasn’t worked for me. I would be delighted if this Blog assists others on their path to recovery but my primary goal is to find recovery for myself. I believe that you can only help others to the degree that you have helped yourself. I have no idea if this Blog will help me or not but I have tried many other things which have not worked.
About My Addiction: My porn addiction has its roots in my childhood. Like many other boys, I was thoroughly intrigued by naked women. My parents had a book of nude photography that I would look at with awe and wonder. The pictures were very tame. Pubic hair was airbushed out and the women were posed “artfully” rather than seductively. I imagine I was about 6 when I came across this book. Around the same time I came across The Joy of Sex in the drawer beside my parents bed. Although not as provocative as the photographs I found, the drawings were just as intriguing.
It was not until a few years later that I discovered the porn magazines that my dad had stashed away. There was a box in his closet hidden under some things. It was mostly full of lesbian magazines. I don’t remember the first moment of seeing that porn but I imagine that it was electrifying. Once I’d discovered porn there I started to search for it in other places. I guess my dad must have archived the stuff in the basement because I remember finding some porn down there over the next couple of years.
Fast forward to my teen years. My memory is kind of hazy but I don’t recall being preoccupied with porn. I looked at it from time to time but not every day. The preoccupation really started after we got our first VCR. I think I was probably around 15 when I discovered the porn videos my dad had stashed away in our family room behind some books. There was a whole wall of books and I guessed that there some books, such as the History of Civilisation that my dad must have figured nobody would ever take off the shelf. Looking back on it, it seems like a really bad hiding place.
Because I went off to Boarding School, my forays into porn were limited to vacations and summers. That is, until I graduated from high school. I spent a year away at college but ultimately ended up commuting to a college not far from home. That’s when my addiction really escalated. I would watch the videos late at night when everyone had gone to bed or when I was home alone. The possibility of being caught added to the excitement. I surmised that my dad must have watched them early in the morning as he was always up bright and early. When I graduated from college I moved away and the addiction subsided to a degree.
There was a period of time in my mid to late 20s where I was relatively free from the compulsion that would come to dominate me in later years. During this time I would occasionally come across a porn magazine and occasionally rent a porn video. And if I couldn’t get my hands on some porn I would sometimes masturbate to nude photography in art books or some provocative image in a mainstream magazine. But because it was less accessible, I didn’t indulge all the time.
Once the web became popular around 1994-95 and porn was piped right into my rental apartment, I became like the proverbial kid in the candy store. I was living alone at the time and had just ended a long-term relationship. There were very few limits on my time or behavior. My recollection of that time is a bit hazy but I do recall the excitement that I felt at the initial rush. It soon became apparent that the supply was inexhaustible. It wasn’t long before I was able to give my particular breast fetish a name. Then I found websites and newsgroups devoted to it. I was off and running.
Around ’96 or ’97 I realized that my compulsion was taking a toll on me. Not only was it taking a toll on my social life but I was also jeopardizing my job. I had a dial-up modem at home but there was a high speed internet connection at work. So, sometimes I would stay late and look at porn despite the fact that I knew that the internet usage might be monitored. It was around this time that I checked myself into SLAA. That was about 10 years ago.
Today: For various reasons, which I will explore over time, I haven’t found much sobriety around my porn addiction. I’ve had several sponsors, gone to many meetings, worked the steps—albeit half-heartedly—and been in individual and group therapy. Nothing I’ve tried has been very effective. Last night I got on my computer at midnight and stayed up until 4am. I’m between jobs now so I didn’t have to be up early. As they say in SAA, this affliction is “cunning, baffling and powerful.” Time and again that reality is staring me in the face as I say I want to be sober and end up looking at porn and masturbating.
Some paths may involve a “God” or “Higher Power” of your understanding. Neither of these terms particularly appeal to me so I will probably use them sparingly, if at all. I am in a 12 Step program—Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) —but I don’t agree with everything that they advocate. So, while I may talk about the 12 Steps, I don’t think that it is right for everybody. I have no agenda and no beliefs to sell.
What this Blog Is: The main purpose of this Blog is for me to explore my addiction and recovery in an open forum and, hopefully, to assist in my own recovery. I will share what has and hasn’t worked for me. I would be delighted if this Blog assists others on their path to recovery but my primary goal is to find recovery for myself. I believe that you can only help others to the degree that you have helped yourself. I have no idea if this Blog will help me or not but I have tried many other things which have not worked.
About My Addiction: My porn addiction has its roots in my childhood. Like many other boys, I was thoroughly intrigued by naked women. My parents had a book of nude photography that I would look at with awe and wonder. The pictures were very tame. Pubic hair was airbushed out and the women were posed “artfully” rather than seductively. I imagine I was about 6 when I came across this book. Around the same time I came across The Joy of Sex in the drawer beside my parents bed. Although not as provocative as the photographs I found, the drawings were just as intriguing.
It was not until a few years later that I discovered the porn magazines that my dad had stashed away. There was a box in his closet hidden under some things. It was mostly full of lesbian magazines. I don’t remember the first moment of seeing that porn but I imagine that it was electrifying. Once I’d discovered porn there I started to search for it in other places. I guess my dad must have archived the stuff in the basement because I remember finding some porn down there over the next couple of years.
Fast forward to my teen years. My memory is kind of hazy but I don’t recall being preoccupied with porn. I looked at it from time to time but not every day. The preoccupation really started after we got our first VCR. I think I was probably around 15 when I discovered the porn videos my dad had stashed away in our family room behind some books. There was a whole wall of books and I guessed that there some books, such as the History of Civilisation that my dad must have figured nobody would ever take off the shelf. Looking back on it, it seems like a really bad hiding place.
Because I went off to Boarding School, my forays into porn were limited to vacations and summers. That is, until I graduated from high school. I spent a year away at college but ultimately ended up commuting to a college not far from home. That’s when my addiction really escalated. I would watch the videos late at night when everyone had gone to bed or when I was home alone. The possibility of being caught added to the excitement. I surmised that my dad must have watched them early in the morning as he was always up bright and early. When I graduated from college I moved away and the addiction subsided to a degree.
There was a period of time in my mid to late 20s where I was relatively free from the compulsion that would come to dominate me in later years. During this time I would occasionally come across a porn magazine and occasionally rent a porn video. And if I couldn’t get my hands on some porn I would sometimes masturbate to nude photography in art books or some provocative image in a mainstream magazine. But because it was less accessible, I didn’t indulge all the time.
Once the web became popular around 1994-95 and porn was piped right into my rental apartment, I became like the proverbial kid in the candy store. I was living alone at the time and had just ended a long-term relationship. There were very few limits on my time or behavior. My recollection of that time is a bit hazy but I do recall the excitement that I felt at the initial rush. It soon became apparent that the supply was inexhaustible. It wasn’t long before I was able to give my particular breast fetish a name. Then I found websites and newsgroups devoted to it. I was off and running.
Around ’96 or ’97 I realized that my compulsion was taking a toll on me. Not only was it taking a toll on my social life but I was also jeopardizing my job. I had a dial-up modem at home but there was a high speed internet connection at work. So, sometimes I would stay late and look at porn despite the fact that I knew that the internet usage might be monitored. It was around this time that I checked myself into SLAA. That was about 10 years ago.
Today: For various reasons, which I will explore over time, I haven’t found much sobriety around my porn addiction. I’ve had several sponsors, gone to many meetings, worked the steps—albeit half-heartedly—and been in individual and group therapy. Nothing I’ve tried has been very effective. Last night I got on my computer at midnight and stayed up until 4am. I’m between jobs now so I didn’t have to be up early. As they say in SAA, this affliction is “cunning, baffling and powerful.” Time and again that reality is staring me in the face as I say I want to be sober and end up looking at porn and masturbating.
posted by David at 2:39 PM
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