Consequences
Yesterday was an amazing opportunity to reflect on the consequences of my porn addiction. A little over a week ago one of the guys in a meeting I go to (whom I shall call Jack) said that we might not see him after that meeting. He told us that he had a court date coming up in which he was being sentenced. I missed his earlier shares detailing the actions that led him to his present predicament.
I was feeling compassionate but also intrigued. I spoke to Jack briefly for the first time after the meeting and told him that I would like to come to court on the date of his sentencing to show my support. That date was yesterday.
We heard from both the prosecutor and the defending attorney regarding the circumstances of the case. Apparently Jack had sex with minors in Asia and was planning on doing it again. I don’t recall how he found his “sex contact” in the US but I think it was through one of the “swingers” papers that you find in San Francisco. Little did he know that the person whom he was communicating with was an FBI agent!
In phone calls with his alleged sex connection Jack spoke about the sex he had with children overseas and plotted with this man to do it again. The man he was speaking with was purportedly a parent with children and there was talk about having sex with that man’s children, presumably after the trip to Asia.
The conversations were recorded and Jack was caught red-handed at the airport before he had a chance to leave the country. As I sat in court yesterday I learned, for the first time, the details of the case. I was riveted. There had been no sex in the US (as far as the record showed)—only the intent to have sex with a minor. Despite that fact, the charge carried a minimum sentence of 5 years in prison!
There were numerous factors which led to a reduced sentence, which, according to the defense attorney, was rare in any case involving child pornography where the usual sentence was 6-8 years. Foremost among those facts was the fact that Jack was not trafficking in child porn but just using it himself. There were a few things that worked in his favor—he had about 6 family members show up in court in addition to one or two friends. I was one of 4 men from SAA that also showed up in court to support him.
The public defender made a good case for a reduced sentence based on his client’s remorse and corrective actions which included a special program for sex addict’s, attending SAA meetings and going to therapy. After both lawyers had their say and an expert on sexual offenses was consulted regarding the sentence, Jack had an opportunity to speak for himself.
In an impassioned and remorseful speech, using no notes, he spoke from his heart about what had happened, how it had changed him and how he planned to help others to avoid the same fate. He was so eloquent that even the judge made mention of it. He apologized to everyone that he’d hurt and all those gathered—family, friends, fellow sex addicts and even the court. He spoke about helping others, not as an obligation but as an opportunity.
As a result of all these factors his sentence was reduced to two years. He will probably serve no more than a year and a half after allowances for good behavior, etc. I was very happy that I could be there to support Jack. There was a real sense of fellowship and camaraderie among the four men from SAA that came to court to support Jack. My heart was full when I left there.
Jack called me later to thank me from the “bottom of his heart.” He was touched, he said, because we had never spoken before I came to court that day with the exception of the few minutes we spoke after the SAA meeting. I was moved by his phone call and felt some gratitude for the opportunity to be of service.
Although I do not have a predilection for child porn, and I am consequently not at risk of being arrested, my own consequences are just a serious. Like mindless TV, I think there is a potential for brain rot from looking at too much porn. I don’t mean this literally of course but I can’t help thinking that I have done some harm to myself over the last decade of looking at so much porn.
At the very least, I have warped my sensibilities to the extent that I am dissatisfied with the majority of women out there. I’ve brainwashed myself to believe that only a model or a Playboy bunny will do for a life partner. Sure, I can date someone whom I’m less attracted to but I have a fear of marrying that person because I think that I will be somehow missing out!
At the other end of the spectrum, I think that I may have made some serious physical changes to my brain which may be difficult, if not impossible, to change. I know very little about the brain but what I imagine happens is that when you do something over and over again that you form some sort of groove in the brain. That’s why the power of habit is so powerful, whether negative or positive.
So, to a large extent, I feel that my recovery is based on creating some positive habits that will override, and hopefully erase, those negative habit patterns. I know it is an uphill battle but, as Eleanor Roosevelt is famous for saying, “One must do the thing they think they cannot do.”
Yesterday was an amazing opportunity to reflect on the consequences of my porn addiction. A little over a week ago one of the guys in a meeting I go to (whom I shall call Jack) said that we might not see him after that meeting. He told us that he had a court date coming up in which he was being sentenced. I missed his earlier shares detailing the actions that led him to his present predicament.
I was feeling compassionate but also intrigued. I spoke to Jack briefly for the first time after the meeting and told him that I would like to come to court on the date of his sentencing to show my support. That date was yesterday.
We heard from both the prosecutor and the defending attorney regarding the circumstances of the case. Apparently Jack had sex with minors in Asia and was planning on doing it again. I don’t recall how he found his “sex contact” in the US but I think it was through one of the “swingers” papers that you find in San Francisco. Little did he know that the person whom he was communicating with was an FBI agent!
In phone calls with his alleged sex connection Jack spoke about the sex he had with children overseas and plotted with this man to do it again. The man he was speaking with was purportedly a parent with children and there was talk about having sex with that man’s children, presumably after the trip to Asia.
The conversations were recorded and Jack was caught red-handed at the airport before he had a chance to leave the country. As I sat in court yesterday I learned, for the first time, the details of the case. I was riveted. There had been no sex in the US (as far as the record showed)—only the intent to have sex with a minor. Despite that fact, the charge carried a minimum sentence of 5 years in prison!
There were numerous factors which led to a reduced sentence, which, according to the defense attorney, was rare in any case involving child pornography where the usual sentence was 6-8 years. Foremost among those facts was the fact that Jack was not trafficking in child porn but just using it himself. There were a few things that worked in his favor—he had about 6 family members show up in court in addition to one or two friends. I was one of 4 men from SAA that also showed up in court to support him.
The public defender made a good case for a reduced sentence based on his client’s remorse and corrective actions which included a special program for sex addict’s, attending SAA meetings and going to therapy. After both lawyers had their say and an expert on sexual offenses was consulted regarding the sentence, Jack had an opportunity to speak for himself.
In an impassioned and remorseful speech, using no notes, he spoke from his heart about what had happened, how it had changed him and how he planned to help others to avoid the same fate. He was so eloquent that even the judge made mention of it. He apologized to everyone that he’d hurt and all those gathered—family, friends, fellow sex addicts and even the court. He spoke about helping others, not as an obligation but as an opportunity.
As a result of all these factors his sentence was reduced to two years. He will probably serve no more than a year and a half after allowances for good behavior, etc. I was very happy that I could be there to support Jack. There was a real sense of fellowship and camaraderie among the four men from SAA that came to court to support Jack. My heart was full when I left there.
Jack called me later to thank me from the “bottom of his heart.” He was touched, he said, because we had never spoken before I came to court that day with the exception of the few minutes we spoke after the SAA meeting. I was moved by his phone call and felt some gratitude for the opportunity to be of service.
Although I do not have a predilection for child porn, and I am consequently not at risk of being arrested, my own consequences are just a serious. Like mindless TV, I think there is a potential for brain rot from looking at too much porn. I don’t mean this literally of course but I can’t help thinking that I have done some harm to myself over the last decade of looking at so much porn.
At the very least, I have warped my sensibilities to the extent that I am dissatisfied with the majority of women out there. I’ve brainwashed myself to believe that only a model or a Playboy bunny will do for a life partner. Sure, I can date someone whom I’m less attracted to but I have a fear of marrying that person because I think that I will be somehow missing out!
At the other end of the spectrum, I think that I may have made some serious physical changes to my brain which may be difficult, if not impossible, to change. I know very little about the brain but what I imagine happens is that when you do something over and over again that you form some sort of groove in the brain. That’s why the power of habit is so powerful, whether negative or positive.
So, to a large extent, I feel that my recovery is based on creating some positive habits that will override, and hopefully erase, those negative habit patterns. I know it is an uphill battle but, as Eleanor Roosevelt is famous for saying, “One must do the thing they think they cannot do.”
posted by David at 12:01 AM
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