Today I revisited a book, Getting Off the Merry-Go-Round by Carla Perez, that I was reading a few years ago. In one part of the book were a series of exercises to be done over seven days. This Seven Day Program was (and still is) a succinct and hard look at my present predicament and some ideas about what needs to change. I started this Seven Day Program back in 2002 and finally finished the last two days this evening. So, maybe I should re-title it the 4 Year Program ;-)
Day 1 – 4.12.02
The details of my present predicament:
I go a few days, a week or usually two weeks at most. And then I act out compulsively for 1-3 days until I become satiated or disgusted with myself. I make empty promises to myself that “this is the last time." Usually, this activity is an escape from something I don’t want to feel —loneliness, insecurity, worthlessness, meaninglessness, and hopelessness. I have been stuck on this merry-go-round for about 6 – 7 years, every since I discovered porn on the Net. As Jack pointed out recently, although I have done many outer things to change this pattern, I have avoided the really work of inner change. My life has been on hold for many, many years. I have been stuck.
Day 2
The ways in which I keep myself in self-destructive patterns:
I continually put off my recovery. I’ve been doing that for the last 4 years. I lie to myself that this is the last time! I find many ways to rationalize my behavior —I haven’t been to that site or I haven’t tried that technology. Another lie —I’ll just try that and then I’ll stop. I haven’t taken advantage of the help that is there —avoiding reaching out when I’m most in need. While I have attempted numerous outer changes, I haven’t stuck with them. I’ve avoided the hard work of facing my demons. I haven’t really worked the 12 Steps. I’ve been looking for the quick fix —the magic bullet. I’ve been undisciplined, wishing and pining for things to magically improve. I have been unwilling to grow.
Day 3
The triggers that set off my pattern:
When I see a beautiful woman or girl out in the world, particularly if she seems young and innocent or a little older and sophisticated. Both the girls and the women seem unavailable and unapproachable. Seeing porn in unexpected places —an image in an email, a stray image which didn’t get tossed after my last binge, a porn magazine at someone else’s home. It is often some evanescent thing such as a provocative word in a book or magazine or a suggestive advertisement (which could be anywhere). Sexy mainstream movies can act as triggers. Sometimes I even get triggered in 12 Step meetings when I hear about easy and available sex or things that I haven’t tried. Feeling lonely, insecure, “less than,” inadequate. Sharing a smile with a sexy woman whom I don’t pursue and consequently don’t meet. Looking longingly at beautiful girls or women from afar. Seeing certain girls or women, whether in person, ads or movies that fit my archetype of the “perfect” female form.
Day 4 – 7.15.02
The payoff of the pattern:
When I indulge in pornography I leave all my worries, problems and insecurities behind. I become very present, focused and determined in my search for the most titillating images or movies. The search —trolling numerous web pages or newsgroups —is a deeply ingrained part of the pattern or ritual. When I find a girl or a woman I really like it’s like hitting pay dirt. Physiologically, the payoff is an intense pleasure. My acting out ritual mimics that of sex with a woman. There is a build-up (foreplay) and delay of orgasm (teasing) until I decide it’s been enough time or I’m ready to fall asleep at the computer! Then I come and it’s over. Lastly, the payoff is a very convenient way to avoid discomfort, usually mental but sometimes physical too.
Day 5
The future vis a vis my compulsive lifestyle:
It’s a frightening prospect to consider being stuck in the same patterns of obsessive acting out and stunted emotional growth. I imagine that if I continued the way I have been for the last six or seven years that my chances of finding a loving, fulfilling relationship are limited. My prospects for finding creative, fulfilling work which provides a good livelihood also seem dim. Acting out robs me of my creativity, vitality and motivation. If I was still where I am now in 10 years, I imagine I would be unmarried, financially insecure and emotionally withdrawn. As time marches on the technology that enables my sexually compulsive behavior will probably get better as it has done in the past. It seems that every new technological advance is almost immediately exploited by porn merchants —the VCR, the DVD player, the Web, Cell Phones, Video iPods. If I don’t get off the merry-go-round now it will probably be even harder in the future.
Day 6 – 4.4.06
Visualizing my life in control:
I feel that I would be a different person if I really got sober! More emotionally available. Less judgmental, particularly of women. Maybe less judgmental of myself too. With so much energy freed up —without the compulsive behavior and obsessive thoughts —I think I’d have more time for creative pursuits. I feel like I would take better care of myself —getting enough sleep, eating better and finding other ways to nurture myself. I feel that without the addiction in my life there would be the possibility for real love —emotional and open-hearted. This would bring with it more compassion, both for myself and others. I think it would affect a lot of my social interactions — would be more present for people. I also feel that all these changes will only come after I go through the challenging and difficult period of withdrawal which I have been putting off for years and years.
Day 7
Examining life changes necessary for recovery:
In order to get some real sobriety under my belt I need to take my recovery very seriously —as if my life depended on it. For in some very real way it does. To be fully alive is to be loving , creative, emotionally available, spontaneous, compassionate and present. To be all of these things, especially with any consistency, depends on my sobriety. I need to create a different relationship with my computer, particularly when it comes to the Internet. I need very clear boundaries around my use of the Net —where I can go, when I can go there, what’s off limits. The Circles are a good tool for this. I also need a concrete strategy in place to deal with those times when I’m feeling out-of-sorts or sexual, angry upset, anxious or otherwise off balance. I need to think about my triggers and all of the eventualities when I am triggered. I need some strategies in place to deal with these and I need to practice them before they actually happen. One example of this might be that when I come across some porn on the Net accidentally, I close it, get up from the computer immediately and go outside for some fresh air. This needs to become a reflex! I need to maintain contacts with other addicts that are struggling, not only so that I can rely on them for help but that I might be of service and help them. By helping them, I help myself. It is positive reinforcement. It is the antidote to isolation. And, lastly, I need to focus more on what I want to go towards (my outer circle) and less on what I want to get away from (my inner circle).
Day 1 – 4.12.02
The details of my present predicament:
I go a few days, a week or usually two weeks at most. And then I act out compulsively for 1-3 days until I become satiated or disgusted with myself. I make empty promises to myself that “this is the last time." Usually, this activity is an escape from something I don’t want to feel —loneliness, insecurity, worthlessness, meaninglessness, and hopelessness. I have been stuck on this merry-go-round for about 6 – 7 years, every since I discovered porn on the Net. As Jack pointed out recently, although I have done many outer things to change this pattern, I have avoided the really work of inner change. My life has been on hold for many, many years. I have been stuck.
Day 2
The ways in which I keep myself in self-destructive patterns:
I continually put off my recovery. I’ve been doing that for the last 4 years. I lie to myself that this is the last time! I find many ways to rationalize my behavior —I haven’t been to that site or I haven’t tried that technology. Another lie —I’ll just try that and then I’ll stop. I haven’t taken advantage of the help that is there —avoiding reaching out when I’m most in need. While I have attempted numerous outer changes, I haven’t stuck with them. I’ve avoided the hard work of facing my demons. I haven’t really worked the 12 Steps. I’ve been looking for the quick fix —the magic bullet. I’ve been undisciplined, wishing and pining for things to magically improve. I have been unwilling to grow.
Day 3
The triggers that set off my pattern:
When I see a beautiful woman or girl out in the world, particularly if she seems young and innocent or a little older and sophisticated. Both the girls and the women seem unavailable and unapproachable. Seeing porn in unexpected places —an image in an email, a stray image which didn’t get tossed after my last binge, a porn magazine at someone else’s home. It is often some evanescent thing such as a provocative word in a book or magazine or a suggestive advertisement (which could be anywhere). Sexy mainstream movies can act as triggers. Sometimes I even get triggered in 12 Step meetings when I hear about easy and available sex or things that I haven’t tried. Feeling lonely, insecure, “less than,” inadequate. Sharing a smile with a sexy woman whom I don’t pursue and consequently don’t meet. Looking longingly at beautiful girls or women from afar. Seeing certain girls or women, whether in person, ads or movies that fit my archetype of the “perfect” female form.
Day 4 – 7.15.02
The payoff of the pattern:
When I indulge in pornography I leave all my worries, problems and insecurities behind. I become very present, focused and determined in my search for the most titillating images or movies. The search —trolling numerous web pages or newsgroups —is a deeply ingrained part of the pattern or ritual. When I find a girl or a woman I really like it’s like hitting pay dirt. Physiologically, the payoff is an intense pleasure. My acting out ritual mimics that of sex with a woman. There is a build-up (foreplay) and delay of orgasm (teasing) until I decide it’s been enough time or I’m ready to fall asleep at the computer! Then I come and it’s over. Lastly, the payoff is a very convenient way to avoid discomfort, usually mental but sometimes physical too.
Day 5
The future vis a vis my compulsive lifestyle:
It’s a frightening prospect to consider being stuck in the same patterns of obsessive acting out and stunted emotional growth. I imagine that if I continued the way I have been for the last six or seven years that my chances of finding a loving, fulfilling relationship are limited. My prospects for finding creative, fulfilling work which provides a good livelihood also seem dim. Acting out robs me of my creativity, vitality and motivation. If I was still where I am now in 10 years, I imagine I would be unmarried, financially insecure and emotionally withdrawn. As time marches on the technology that enables my sexually compulsive behavior will probably get better as it has done in the past. It seems that every new technological advance is almost immediately exploited by porn merchants —the VCR, the DVD player, the Web, Cell Phones, Video iPods. If I don’t get off the merry-go-round now it will probably be even harder in the future.
Day 6 – 4.4.06
Visualizing my life in control:
I feel that I would be a different person if I really got sober! More emotionally available. Less judgmental, particularly of women. Maybe less judgmental of myself too. With so much energy freed up —without the compulsive behavior and obsessive thoughts —I think I’d have more time for creative pursuits. I feel like I would take better care of myself —getting enough sleep, eating better and finding other ways to nurture myself. I feel that without the addiction in my life there would be the possibility for real love —emotional and open-hearted. This would bring with it more compassion, both for myself and others. I think it would affect a lot of my social interactions — would be more present for people. I also feel that all these changes will only come after I go through the challenging and difficult period of withdrawal which I have been putting off for years and years.
Day 7
Examining life changes necessary for recovery:
In order to get some real sobriety under my belt I need to take my recovery very seriously —as if my life depended on it. For in some very real way it does. To be fully alive is to be loving , creative, emotionally available, spontaneous, compassionate and present. To be all of these things, especially with any consistency, depends on my sobriety. I need to create a different relationship with my computer, particularly when it comes to the Internet. I need very clear boundaries around my use of the Net —where I can go, when I can go there, what’s off limits. The Circles are a good tool for this. I also need a concrete strategy in place to deal with those times when I’m feeling out-of-sorts or sexual, angry upset, anxious or otherwise off balance. I need to think about my triggers and all of the eventualities when I am triggered. I need some strategies in place to deal with these and I need to practice them before they actually happen. One example of this might be that when I come across some porn on the Net accidentally, I close it, get up from the computer immediately and go outside for some fresh air. This needs to become a reflex! I need to maintain contacts with other addicts that are struggling, not only so that I can rely on them for help but that I might be of service and help them. By helping them, I help myself. It is positive reinforcement. It is the antidote to isolation. And, lastly, I need to focus more on what I want to go towards (my outer circle) and less on what I want to get away from (my inner circle).
posted by David at 12:42 AM
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