Anatomy of a Slip
The day before yesterday I had a slip. I acted out. I looked at porn from about 10:30pm until about 3am. My M.O. is to download pictures and movies onto my hard drive until I get thoroughly satiated—which rarely happens—or I get too tired to continue or I just decide that it’s been long enough. My ritual involves looking for porn that I haven’t seen before and revisiting porn that I’ve already looked at. While I am sitting in front of my computer I am masturbating the whole time. Then, when I am done—when I come—I usually toss all of the porn.
This pattern is similar to the binge and purge cycle of a bulimic. I gorge myself on porn until I can’t, or don’t want to, consume anymore. When I’ve had my fill and gotten off I throw it out because at that point I don’t want to repeat the cycle! Sometimes though, while I am masturbating and looking at porn, I think about keeping it, since I often download porn that I’ve seen already. There are two reasons why I don’t do this. One—I sincerely want to stop—until I don’t. And, two, the ritual of the search is such an integral part of the whole addictive process. There is a certain thrill of discovery that comes with finding porn that I haven’t seen before.
One of the lame rationalizations I use is that I rarely spend any money on this habit. Occasionally I will spend $1-3 for a 3-day intro but rarely will I spend more than that. A few times I’ve splurged for the more expensive sites, around $25 or $30 for a month. But knowing that part of me wants to stop and that, while I am actively engaged in a program of recovery, I will have to fess up to my actions, I really can’t keep it for very long. The flip flopping back and forth between indulgence and abstinence is sometimes crazy making. Am I Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde? I guess that I am both. Although I don’t spend much money, the cost in time is enormous. I have a lot of grief over the time spent looking at porn, especially what I imagine the more life affirming things I could have been doing—dating, learning a new skill, doing something creative or productive.
The day before yesterday when I acted out was the same day that I visited court to support my fellow addict in court. As I mentioned, that was a powerful experience. I felt that it reinforced my commitment to recovery. Despite that experience, there were a few things working against me that day. The first is that sometimes when I open up more than usual, there is a tendency to contract more than usual. I’ve seen this pattern time and again. The second thing working against me was that I’d gone just about two weeks without acting out. Sometime I like to blame this on the fact that I have not had an orgasm in awhile so the energy gets backed up. But the fact of the matter is that I had sex with my ex (which is not in my inner or middle circles) several times during that two weeks. Thirdly, I became frustrated by a couple of different things that happened that day: I missed an appointment because of my absentmindedness and I was having a computer problem that I could not solve.
I began a post on the day I went to court by admitting that I was feeling “slippery,” and that I felt like acting out. I never finished it. Over the last couple of days I’ve also been feeling slippery. I was in my middle circle both yesterday and today. I’ve been clicking on questionable banner ads and visiting personals sites that I am not a member of. I was doing the latter this morning when I decided to write here instead. When I finish this I am going to call my sponsor. I think that I will go to a meeting this evening as well. Once I open the door to my addiction it usually doesn’t shut completely when I close it. That crack in the door is a constant enticement. I have to do a lot of work to close it completely.
This recent acting out is yet another reminder that I need to put some coping strategies in place to deal with those times when I am feeling hungry, horny, hurried, angry, lonely, tired, frustrated or overwhelmed—to name just a few of the feelings which can throw me off balance.
The day before yesterday I had a slip. I acted out. I looked at porn from about 10:30pm until about 3am. My M.O. is to download pictures and movies onto my hard drive until I get thoroughly satiated—which rarely happens—or I get too tired to continue or I just decide that it’s been long enough. My ritual involves looking for porn that I haven’t seen before and revisiting porn that I’ve already looked at. While I am sitting in front of my computer I am masturbating the whole time. Then, when I am done—when I come—I usually toss all of the porn.
This pattern is similar to the binge and purge cycle of a bulimic. I gorge myself on porn until I can’t, or don’t want to, consume anymore. When I’ve had my fill and gotten off I throw it out because at that point I don’t want to repeat the cycle! Sometimes though, while I am masturbating and looking at porn, I think about keeping it, since I often download porn that I’ve seen already. There are two reasons why I don’t do this. One—I sincerely want to stop—until I don’t. And, two, the ritual of the search is such an integral part of the whole addictive process. There is a certain thrill of discovery that comes with finding porn that I haven’t seen before.
One of the lame rationalizations I use is that I rarely spend any money on this habit. Occasionally I will spend $1-3 for a 3-day intro but rarely will I spend more than that. A few times I’ve splurged for the more expensive sites, around $25 or $30 for a month. But knowing that part of me wants to stop and that, while I am actively engaged in a program of recovery, I will have to fess up to my actions, I really can’t keep it for very long. The flip flopping back and forth between indulgence and abstinence is sometimes crazy making. Am I Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde? I guess that I am both. Although I don’t spend much money, the cost in time is enormous. I have a lot of grief over the time spent looking at porn, especially what I imagine the more life affirming things I could have been doing—dating, learning a new skill, doing something creative or productive.
The day before yesterday when I acted out was the same day that I visited court to support my fellow addict in court. As I mentioned, that was a powerful experience. I felt that it reinforced my commitment to recovery. Despite that experience, there were a few things working against me that day. The first is that sometimes when I open up more than usual, there is a tendency to contract more than usual. I’ve seen this pattern time and again. The second thing working against me was that I’d gone just about two weeks without acting out. Sometime I like to blame this on the fact that I have not had an orgasm in awhile so the energy gets backed up. But the fact of the matter is that I had sex with my ex (which is not in my inner or middle circles) several times during that two weeks. Thirdly, I became frustrated by a couple of different things that happened that day: I missed an appointment because of my absentmindedness and I was having a computer problem that I could not solve.
I began a post on the day I went to court by admitting that I was feeling “slippery,” and that I felt like acting out. I never finished it. Over the last couple of days I’ve also been feeling slippery. I was in my middle circle both yesterday and today. I’ve been clicking on questionable banner ads and visiting personals sites that I am not a member of. I was doing the latter this morning when I decided to write here instead. When I finish this I am going to call my sponsor. I think that I will go to a meeting this evening as well. Once I open the door to my addiction it usually doesn’t shut completely when I close it. That crack in the door is a constant enticement. I have to do a lot of work to close it completely.
This recent acting out is yet another reminder that I need to put some coping strategies in place to deal with those times when I am feeling hungry, horny, hurried, angry, lonely, tired, frustrated or overwhelmed—to name just a few of the feelings which can throw me off balance.
posted by David at 10:55 AM
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