A Slippery Slope

It's been almost 6 weeks since I made an entry. The main reason is that I have been acting out alot. Initially, it was every week or so but lately it has been every 2 or 3 days. In fact, last night I was up until about 3:30am looking at porn and masturbating. To say I am at my wit's end is close but not quite right. I don't feel that my situation is hopeless but I do continue to be baffled and perplexed by my own behavior. I tell myself and others that I want to stop but I don't. My actions speak louder than my words. I've heard it said that if you want to know what you really want all you have to do is look at what you have. In some sense I think that this is quite true. We create the life we want, albeit, much of the time unconsciously.

The other reason that I have not made an entry is that I have been calling a lot of my beliefs into question. Is this Blog helpful to my recovery? Is the 12 Steps an effective path to recovery? Is my lack of success with this because I have not applied myself assiduously enough to the steps? Is it due to a lack of will power or self-discipline? Could it be that I really don’t want to stop this behavior? Perhaps the question most uppermost on my mind is the question: Is there a better way?

Despite the popularity of the 12 Steps, there are some dissenting voices out there. One of them is Stanton Peele who wrote the book, Truth About Addiction and Recovery. While it does seem, as one reviewer on Amazon put it, that the author has a “serious ax to grind” I think that he offers a viable alternative to the 12 Steps. At the very least, the book is useful in challenging the idea that the 12 Steps are the ONLY way to recover from addiction. Here is how another reviewer summed up Stanton Peele’s approach…

Flying in the face of conventional thought, "The Truth about Addiction and Recovery" encourages the reader to challenge the contention that addiction is a disease. The authors' contention is that addiction is a coping mechanism that people develop to deal with life's stressful situations. Instead of doing the 12-step program the solution is to develop alternative coping skills. Addiction is a symptom and not the disease.

Peale argues that treatment for addiction should be based on learning skills that allow the addicted person to cope better, communicate easier and relate to others better. One of the more interesting points of the book is the analysis of people who try to kick an addiction without going through a 12-step type program. Statistically, untreated people have the same or better success rate as those in treatment. The author make a very strong case and argues it well. This should be required reading for anyone dealing with an addiction or who knows someone dealing with an addiction whether it is drugs, sex, food, shopping or whatever other addictive behavior they may have.

In my own case, my problem may be that I have never fully embraced the 12 Steps. I consider myself to be spiritual but not religious. While the 12 Step program claims to be a spiritual program of recovery, it often feels religious to me. Below I’ve listed some of the things that I like and dislike about the 12 Steps:

Things I like about the 12-Step Model:

The camaraderie with other men (and sometimes women) who share my struggles.
The respect for anonymity.
The emphasis on spiritual growth to aid in recovery.
A leaderless group facilitated by a “secretary.”
The cost ($1-2 or Free to those who can’t pay)

Things I don’t like about the 12-Step Model:

The notion of addiction as disease.
The idea of powerlessness.
The rigid structure (ie. no feedback)
The unquestioning belief in the 12-step model
The assertion of addiction (ie. “Hi my name is Joe, I’m a sex addict.”)
The phraseology (ie. addiction, acting out, bottom line, disease, etc.)


These lists are from a post that I made on Craigslist back in 2003. Because my pattern of behavior hasn’t changed much since then I think that I’m going to repost it. My impetus for posting a message then was to find a self-sustaining, leaderless group of men who want to find recovery. I’m hoping for a better response this time.

I envision a group of 4 or 5 men who meet every week and offer support to one another. I don’t want this to be a 12 Step group but I’m not opposed to anyone participating who is in a 12 Step group. As I mentioned above, there are some things I like about the 12 Steps.

One of the tools of the 12 Step program is something called a feedback group. To my mind, this provides some of the best aspects of the 12 Steps without some of its hang-ups. There is a certain formality so that the meeting is structured but the focus is on one another’s experience and how we can help each other. Although I have not been a part of a feedback group, I have attended 12 Step meetings that use the feedback model. What I have found is that the collective wisdom of the participants is greater than, and seems more pertinent than, much of the 12 Step literature which I find to be somewhat stilted. I also found in these meetings that I have a lot to offer others and that what I have to share is often what I need to hear!

I have been trying (not very hard) to get a feedback group off the ground. I’ve also though about starting my own 12 Step meeting with the emphasis on Internet Addiction. At this point, I’m more interested in getting a feedback meeting started. If this is something that you think might be helpful or if you want more information, leave a comment.