REPAIR (Re-Engaging: Porn Addicts In Recovery) A Group for Porn Addicts Who Want More Out of Life
I'm starting this group for one simple reason—I want to find recovery from porn and move on with my life, experiencing all the beauty, joy and excitement that life has to offer. Internet porn has kept me stuck in an eddy of fantasy and illusion that I want to escape for good so I can start flowing with the wonder and joy of life!
The acronym REPAIR suggests a couple of things. First of all, it suggests that there has been damage done through our porn addiction. Although the major damage may have been done to oneself, there is often a lot of collateral damage as well. And it suggests that it can be repaired, at least where our own life is concerned and often with those we love and cherish if they have a capacity to forgive.
As porn addicts we have become disengaged from life in various ways. We’ve lost track of our true passion and our authentic masculinity. We’ve become more isolated and alienated even though we are still spending time with people. The distortions in our thinking has caused us to become less intimate even as we have become more sexual! So, to re-engage means to re-find this intimate connection to people and to life that we have lost through our porn addiction.
If you’re familiar with the 12 Steps, you’ll know that the sponsor/sponsee relationship is a very important part of the recovery process. While I don’t agree with everything that the 12 Steps advocates (more on that later), I think that it is absolutely essential to be accountable to other people to find recovery from porn addiction. And, I think it can be very helpful to pair up with one particular person who you are going to be completely accountable to. That person may be a sponsor but it might also be a friend in recovery who has a similar pattern to yours. The important thing is to be absolutely honest with that particular person and to have frequent contact.
I believe that another important component of recovery from porn is to figure out what one’s passions are outside of the realm of sex. I think that people who have become obsessed with porn have effectively narrowed their attention and focus down so much that they are often out of touch with their hopes and dreams. Making the effort to get away from porn is not enough, one must also put energy and effort into what one REALLY wants. This may involve some deep soul searching. But without filling the void, abstinence from porn is not enough!
Ever since I discovered porn on the Web back in 1993 I have been struggling to find recovery. I have gone a few weeks here and there and have even gotten up to 2 months once or twice. But usually that was after having surrendered my modem or computer. Right now I have an unfiltered Internet connection. I’ve looked into the idea of using a filter on my computer but have decided against it. If you’ve decided that a filter works for you, I fully support you but I’m committed to finding recovery while keeping my Internet connection without any kind of filter.
I’ve spent well over a decade trying to find recovery through 12-Step programs with little success. I’ve had several different sponsors, I’ve done my First Step a couple of times, I’ve been the secretary of at least 2 meetings and, most recently, I spent 3 months in a 12 Step based treatment program overseas. I’ve worked the steps up to Step 8. But, after so many years going to meetings, I’m disenchanted with that model of recovery. There’s a lot of evidence to suggest that people find recovery at least as much outside of 12-Step programs as they do within.
Nevertheless, I think that programs like SAA and SLAA definitely have something to offer the porn addict, especially someone just getting into recovery, so I’m not philosophically opposed to them. I am however taking a break from that model for the most part. But there are a couple of principles I’m taking with me from the 12-Step model which apply to this group: the importance of community and accountability. I have struggled by myself to find sobriety to no avail. And when I have managed to string a few weeks together, accountability often played an important role in it.
For me porn has been a way to deal with my anxiety and fear around approaching and dating women that I am really attracted to. I’ve also used spirituality as a rationalization for not going after what I really want. I believed that I could transcend my earthly desires if I became enlightened. While I’m still on a spiritual path, I no longer feel the need to create a dichotomy between spirituality and sexuality. No longer will they be mutually exclusive!
So, I’ve finally gotten to a place where it is OK to go after the women that I’ve always wanted but never had the balls to pursue. That doesn’t mean that I’m looking for a one night stand or I’m now looking for women to validate me. It does mean that I’m giving myself permission to pursue, connect with, date and possibly sleep with women that turn me on. My goal is not to have casual sex or to exploit women but to improve this area of my life! My addiction has a lot to do with NOT pursuing this one thing that I’ve wanted all my life but instead rationalized away while indulging in porn.
You might be married or in a relationship and, if you are, I imagine that what YOU really want may look different from what I want. But the bottom line is that WE need to let go of porn to have what we want, whether it’s a better relationship with our wife or girlfriend or a better “game” to attract the woman of our dreams. I see the benefit of recovery as not just having better relationships with those close to us but better relationships in general with ALL of the people in our lives: friends, lovers, family members, co-workers and even acquaintances and strangers.
Porn often leads to contraction and self-involvement. Recovery leads to expansion and relationship! Just like people can and do drink alcohol responsibly, I don’t think porn is inherently bad. But alcoholics need to stay away from alcohol if they are going to have a happy, joyous life and the same is true of porn addicts. Perhaps one day we will find a way to have a manageable relationship with our addiction but first we have to learn to live without it.
I'm starting this group for one simple reason—I want to find recovery from porn and move on with my life, experiencing all the beauty, joy and excitement that life has to offer. Internet porn has kept me stuck in an eddy of fantasy and illusion that I want to escape for good so I can start flowing with the wonder and joy of life!
The acronym REPAIR suggests a couple of things. First of all, it suggests that there has been damage done through our porn addiction. Although the major damage may have been done to oneself, there is often a lot of collateral damage as well. And it suggests that it can be repaired, at least where our own life is concerned and often with those we love and cherish if they have a capacity to forgive.
As porn addicts we have become disengaged from life in various ways. We’ve lost track of our true passion and our authentic masculinity. We’ve become more isolated and alienated even though we are still spending time with people. The distortions in our thinking has caused us to become less intimate even as we have become more sexual! So, to re-engage means to re-find this intimate connection to people and to life that we have lost through our porn addiction.
If you’re familiar with the 12 Steps, you’ll know that the sponsor/sponsee relationship is a very important part of the recovery process. While I don’t agree with everything that the 12 Steps advocates (more on that later), I think that it is absolutely essential to be accountable to other people to find recovery from porn addiction. And, I think it can be very helpful to pair up with one particular person who you are going to be completely accountable to. That person may be a sponsor but it might also be a friend in recovery who has a similar pattern to yours. The important thing is to be absolutely honest with that particular person and to have frequent contact.
I believe that another important component of recovery from porn is to figure out what one’s passions are outside of the realm of sex. I think that people who have become obsessed with porn have effectively narrowed their attention and focus down so much that they are often out of touch with their hopes and dreams. Making the effort to get away from porn is not enough, one must also put energy and effort into what one REALLY wants. This may involve some deep soul searching. But without filling the void, abstinence from porn is not enough!
Ever since I discovered porn on the Web back in 1993 I have been struggling to find recovery. I have gone a few weeks here and there and have even gotten up to 2 months once or twice. But usually that was after having surrendered my modem or computer. Right now I have an unfiltered Internet connection. I’ve looked into the idea of using a filter on my computer but have decided against it. If you’ve decided that a filter works for you, I fully support you but I’m committed to finding recovery while keeping my Internet connection without any kind of filter.
I’ve spent well over a decade trying to find recovery through 12-Step programs with little success. I’ve had several different sponsors, I’ve done my First Step a couple of times, I’ve been the secretary of at least 2 meetings and, most recently, I spent 3 months in a 12 Step based treatment program overseas. I’ve worked the steps up to Step 8. But, after so many years going to meetings, I’m disenchanted with that model of recovery. There’s a lot of evidence to suggest that people find recovery at least as much outside of 12-Step programs as they do within.
Nevertheless, I think that programs like SAA and SLAA definitely have something to offer the porn addict, especially someone just getting into recovery, so I’m not philosophically opposed to them. I am however taking a break from that model for the most part. But there are a couple of principles I’m taking with me from the 12-Step model which apply to this group: the importance of community and accountability. I have struggled by myself to find sobriety to no avail. And when I have managed to string a few weeks together, accountability often played an important role in it.
For me porn has been a way to deal with my anxiety and fear around approaching and dating women that I am really attracted to. I’ve also used spirituality as a rationalization for not going after what I really want. I believed that I could transcend my earthly desires if I became enlightened. While I’m still on a spiritual path, I no longer feel the need to create a dichotomy between spirituality and sexuality. No longer will they be mutually exclusive!
So, I’ve finally gotten to a place where it is OK to go after the women that I’ve always wanted but never had the balls to pursue. That doesn’t mean that I’m looking for a one night stand or I’m now looking for women to validate me. It does mean that I’m giving myself permission to pursue, connect with, date and possibly sleep with women that turn me on. My goal is not to have casual sex or to exploit women but to improve this area of my life! My addiction has a lot to do with NOT pursuing this one thing that I’ve wanted all my life but instead rationalized away while indulging in porn.
You might be married or in a relationship and, if you are, I imagine that what YOU really want may look different from what I want. But the bottom line is that WE need to let go of porn to have what we want, whether it’s a better relationship with our wife or girlfriend or a better “game” to attract the woman of our dreams. I see the benefit of recovery as not just having better relationships with those close to us but better relationships in general with ALL of the people in our lives: friends, lovers, family members, co-workers and even acquaintances and strangers.
Porn often leads to contraction and self-involvement. Recovery leads to expansion and relationship! Just like people can and do drink alcohol responsibly, I don’t think porn is inherently bad. But alcoholics need to stay away from alcohol if they are going to have a happy, joyous life and the same is true of porn addicts. Perhaps one day we will find a way to have a manageable relationship with our addiction but first we have to learn to live without it.
posted by David at 10:44 PM
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